The joke thread
 

Let's start another joke thread. Clean jokes only please. :roll:

What did the zero say to the eight?
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Nice belt! :crackup:

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and
falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes
up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the
doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle
from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an nutcase!"

She asks the doctor,” Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Cool! My grandson knew that and split a gut!

The Ant and the Grasshopper: 2 Scenarios
>
> *OLD VERSION*
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>
> The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
> plays the summer away.
>
> Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
>
> The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
> Be responsible for yourself!
>
> ************************************************** **********
>
> *MODERN VERSION*
>
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>
> The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
> plays the summer away.
>
> Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
> demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others
> are cold and starving.
>
> CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
> shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable
> home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp
contrast.
>
>
> How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
> grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
>
> Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody
> cries when they sing, "its Not Easy Being Green."
>
> Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."
> Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
> grasshopper's sake.
>
> Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
>
> Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
> failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having
> nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
>
> Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
> defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of
> single-parent welfare recipients.
>
>
> The ant loses the case.
>
> The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
> Be careful how you vote

Redneck "Book of Manners"

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


*** DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.



*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners




*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days; however, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.




*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date 's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."




*** WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.





*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
__________________

ROFL, good ones Dennis!

new apple invention
 

new apple invention
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants!


The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $699. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. http://www.mytractorforum.com/images...s/biglaugh.gif

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
You're killin' me!

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

I should have thought Dennis would be the one!

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces(USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
-------------------------------------------------------
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on prozac.

:crackup:

Gin, that last one was hilarious! :coverlaugh:

i threw out all my orchids

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love.
When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love.
And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

MARCO! :yikes:
Where is that little faint smilie when you need it!

THE LAWYER

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
out, a truck came along too close to the curb and tore off the driver's
door.

Fortunately, a cop in a squad car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the
cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day
before, was now ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard
the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are, he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect
the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon – "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b$#@&% was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat @ss downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!".

The cab driver hit a parked car...

:crackup:

I knew you'd like that one, Sue ;)

I don't get it :scratchhead: :evil:

Try not to laugh.
Matt Damon Storms Off Jimmy Kimmel Set*Video

Forget the other attached clip (firefighter). It will not run.

I split my gut laughing!

I found this while looking on the net ..
The first page is witty definitions
The second page is .. you know you are addicted to orchids when ...
It gives a good chuckle! :coverlaugh:
Orchid Humor

Alright, now we're medlin' (... you have a couch and a rocking chair for furniture, and there really isn't room for the rocker.
)

Dot, you slay me :crackup:

You mean there isn't room on the rocking chair or the couch! :crackup:

Thank you! I didn't think of that! I could move the chair next to the window....:biggrin:

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"




:cheer: .....Gin

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he coulddisconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"


"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

:crackup:

:coverlaugh:

This one was too good to pass up! :crackup:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second , I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....
He sighed..............
Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box...

:coverlaugh:

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
:banana:

:crackup:

A woman discovers she had won the lottery, and in her excitement she flies home and swings open the door. "Honey", she says, "I won the lottery, pack your bags!". Surprised, the husband responds "How wonderful, should I pack for warm or cold?" The wife looks over and says "it doesn't matter to me- just get out!" :biggrin:

(saw this is my fiancee's mag- but had to change it for the women)

:coverlaugh: