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Too funny! :rofl:
REDNECK LOVE POEM SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL. BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.' YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER. BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE; YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY. Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it? This one's just killin' me!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: |
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) the condor B) the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.' The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced. 'I need an answer,' said Meredith. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.' 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes, that is my final answer.' And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!' Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?' 'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.' |
What did the bus conductor say to the man with three heads and one leg .................................................. ..
Hello Hello Hello Hop on YOU SAID ONLY CLEAN JOKES AND THATS THE ONLY ONE I KNOW!!!!!!!! |
:crackup: Too funny, Des :D
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An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . " The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here." |
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and here s the best proof for that student's hypothesis :) I've received this pic via e-mail today, and had to laugh so much as I remembered this joke :rofl: |
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Today, my work colleagues were quite productive in this area :biggrin: :
N° 1: I was at my bank today. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you people too!" *********************************************** N° 2: Received from a work Colleague who asked if I could work on the development and use approval of these drugs for her! MORE NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out! ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth. See Picture |
Priceless...
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and another one ;)
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Both of those were priceless! Bordering on "not clean" but still priceless.
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The fluctuations joke was hysterical!!!! Thanks.
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A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' * * * (You're gonna love this!!!)... * * * * * The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' :biggrin: |
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and startedcanvassing the neighborhoods.
She went to the front door of the firsthouse and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could usesomebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that thepaint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation,said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the wayaround the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right.I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ." A short time later, the blondehandywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handedit to her. "And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi."!!! |
This supposedly actually happened somewhere in the world , I forget where though.
Joe's neighbor Harry was suing joe for , amongst other things , medical costs. When the case came to court the Judge asked Joe for his version of the story and he said, "Well your Honor I was working on my car ,repairing the brakes. and I needed a second pair of hands to bleed the brakes, just then Harry walked into my garage to see what i was doing,and I asked him to lend a hand .Harry did not want to get his clothing covered in brake fluid, so i loaned him a spare overalls. Now Harry is a little larger than I am so, he had to remove some of his clothing and even then he could not button the front up completely. Anyhow there we were with Harry under the car, when my wife walked in and seeing "me" lying under the car with my ding -a- ling hanging out she grabbed it and shook it shouting "ding - a ling a ling tea time" and Harry had to have 16 stitches put into his forehead . |
:rofl: :rofl: :bowing
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... |
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad
as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.. what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time… PRICELESS |
Games for when we are older
1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse said bend over. 6. Musical recliners. 7.Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the toupee on the bald guy. |
Signs of menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. |
Old is when
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of you face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky meqans you can find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not having to get up to pee. |
The doctor said, 'Tom, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. Tom was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 40 short.' Tom laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Tom tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Tom admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Tom thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Tom and said, 'Let's see, 32 sleeves and 14-1/2 neck.' Tom was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60 years.' Tom tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Tom walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Tom thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 32.' Tom laughed 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 30 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear size 30. A size 30 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second opinion - PRICELESS :coverlaugh: |
LOL that's excellent!
but please, tell where you get suit for 400$ and underwear for 6$!!!! :-))))) |
...and then the fight started
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started.... :coverlaugh: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... :coverlaugh: My wife and I were sitting at a table a t my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... :crackup: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started..... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: |
She was Sooooooooooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund. * She thought General Motors was in the army. * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote 'Sagittarius.' She Was Soooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. * She sent a fax with a stamp on it. * Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.' She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She tripped over a cordless phone. * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.' * She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.' * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She was Sooooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She studied for a blood test. * She sold the car for gas money. * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead. * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' she turned around and went home. She Was Sooooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. * She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.' AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE: She is soooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde.. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company! |
:rofl: Don't know why but blonde jokes just crack me up! :rofl:
Sorry to all my blonde friends out there :blowkisses: |
Too funny!! Great ones, Dave. But all the blondes I know are really smart!
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to compensate with Dave's joke...
In the latest Medical Congress in Atlanta, an investigator presented the first evidence of Blond-genes in men to the international medical audience: Pictures of women with black and blue marks around the bellybutton! |
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Dave!
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I'm not sure about this one :scratchhead:
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The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did." She got the raise.
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Gotta love this! Laughed so hard I nearly cried.
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs.Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men � he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women � she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband hasbeen causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away�. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WETFLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department,he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rackand when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least . 15.. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!' Regards, Wal-Mart Joe |
Too funny Dave! :rofl:
My husband doesn't really mind doing some shopping...maybe a little ;) ...but he hates going to Walmart :) I've seen him do a few of the things on the list: #2...but with all the motion stuffed figures they have on the shelves at any holiday time :) #4 was funny and #11 is quite funny to watch...every time he does it :coverlaugh: the others on the list I really laughed at were #13 and #14...I'd love to be around for those two! :crackup: |
Your husband must have a great sense of humor.
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Gotta love him ;) |
That is an interesting cross you should try and get it cloned:rofl:
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LOL
or put it on ebay... RARE Dendrobium plumeria $$$$$ :rofl: |
Too funny :coverlaugh:
Even the little blue bird is captivated by it .. Maybe you can list it for $10,000 .... |
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