:rofl::rofl::rofl:

FILLING IN FOR ST. PETER
 

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn’t think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

“Why, Peter,” Jesus said. “You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need.”

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, “Good afternoon, Sir. How may I help you?”

“Well,” replied the man, “I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.”

“We would certainly love to have you,” said Jesus, “But we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?”

“Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man. “I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son,” he continued, “now he was special!”

With pride in his voice he said, “I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.”

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!”

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, “Pinocchio!”

When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. On Dad’s first day, the friend took him to the production line where he would be working. The friend explained that as a diesel fitter, my dad’s responsibility would be to pick up each garment as it came off the line, look it over, and then hold it up and announce, “Yep, deez’ll fit ’er!” At least, that’s the story my dad told a thousand times. —Marybeth Martens Cobble

You don't know what you're missing...
 

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual carnival. They had been friends for ages, and launched into their usual banter.

"This baked ham is so delicious," the priest teased. "you really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don't know what you're missing! Tell me, my friend, when are you going to give in and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest and responded, "At your wedding, of course!"

In a job interview...

Interviewer: Tell me your name, please.

Candidate: Norman, without a "k".

Interviewer: But Norman doesn't have a "k".

Candidate: Exactly, that's what I just said.

The church was filled to capacity, not one empty seat. As the preacher began giving his sermon, he abruptly stopped. He looked out upon the whole congregation and said: "I've been giving sermons every Sunday for the past 15 years. Today I want to do something different. The good book that sits in front of me can answer any question asked. I want to challenge the entire congregation to ask me a question that this book cannot answer."

Not a peep, you could hear a pin drop. Total silence. Then, in the back of the church, a soft voice breaks the silence and says: "What about PMS?" The preacher got quiet and blushed. Small beads of sweat started forming on his forehead. He opened the good book and began thumbing through the pages. He turned several pages for a few minutes and then said: "I found the answer right here. Verse 96, page 317; Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem".

When service was over, people started to leave the church. Two men began talking. One asked the other: "You know why they call it PMS?" The other man asks: why? The first man replies: "Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

Wisdom seeker, this is offensive on a couple different levels... Just sayin'.

In my other community PMS is a winter malady known as Parked Motorcycle Syndrome.:snow:

The Deli Counter!!!
 

An orthodox jewish rabbi walks up to the deli counter at the supermarket.

He points in the*glass case and asks the deli boy "Can I please have a pound of that smoked salmon".

So the deli boy, a little confused, shouts over the counter, "Sir, that is ham not salmon".

At that moment the Rabbi looks around and then says back to the deli boy "Do you have to say that so loudly??!!!??!!"

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”