A misogynist, a racist, a psychopath and an egotist go into a bar.

The bartender says "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

Not a joke but seemed appropriate somehow.

March 14 1975 Monty Python and the Holy Grail had its US premier in Los Angeles.

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, $150 a visit, 3 times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" said the psychiatrist, with a bit of an attitude. "How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

It's always better to get a second opinion.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and pink and throw apple juice at her knees.
------------------------------------
Child:"Daddy why did my friends pull my pants down?"
Dad:"That's mean."
Child:"But why?"
Dad:"They probably wanted to see your underwear."
Child:"That's good I wasn't wearing underwear."

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia when he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, the owner appears, and tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I joined the CIA."

"In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...."

"But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"TEN DOLLARS!?! Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

Ed and his wife Norma went to the state fair every year. Every year Ed would say, "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Norma always replied, "I know, Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks. And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, "Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride, and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell something, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ed replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out. But you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

:rofl:
fifty bucks is fifty bucks

I think it's time for another joke...:)

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

An obvious city slicker shows up at a rural sporting goods store announcing that he's taking up duck hunting and wants to buy everything he needs. The owner sets him up with the best of everything, a gun, duck calls, hunting clothes, the works. The whole time he's asking stupid questions that the owner struggles to answer with a straight face because he doesn't want to offend the man and lose the big sale. As the customer is packing up his purchases he realizes he doesn't have a hunting dog. He asks for one but the owner informs him that they don't sell dogs. "Lucky for you, my brother in law is the best breeder of hunting dogs around. He lives just a fair piece further along this road, first farm on the right. Just be careful because he'll take advantage of you if you don't know what you're looking for." Unbeknownst to the customer the store owner and his brother in law don't like each other much and the store owner sees a chance to kill two birds with one stone when the customer asks "well what should I look for?" The owner explains that the most important thing in a duck hunting dog is that the dog has a tight sphincter. "If a dog with a loose sphincter jumps into the water to retrieve a duck, water rushes in, weighing the dog down so it drowns." The customer thanks him and heads down the road to the dog breeder. He knocks on the door, introduces himself and explains what he wants. "I have a couple really good dogs ready to hunt" he replies, and shows the customer out to the kennel. He stands there dumbfounded as the man walks up to a dog, lifts its tail up and stares intently at the sphincter, shakes his head and moves on to the next dog. After seeing this two more times he finally asks "what are you looking at?" The customer explains the conversation he had with the store owner and a knowing look comes over the breeder's face. He reaches down and grabs the nearest dog's scrotum and gives a hard squeeze and a quarter twist. The dog's sphincter puckers up tightly right before the customer's eyes as the breeder explains " there's your problem. These dogs are adjusted for quail!"

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "But it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. We'll have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open. He finds himself in the middle of a marvelous, impeccably manicured golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends, and an enormous crowd of other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf, and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the Devil, a very friendly guy, who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that, all too soon and before the Senator realizes, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell, and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," he says.

The Senator joins a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a pleasant time chatting amongst themselves. Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Again, the doors of the elevator open. Oven-hot wind blasts in his face. Through the blindingly hot sun he sees that he's in the middle of a barren land, covered in waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls from above.

The Devil comes over to him, puts his arm around his shoulders, and says, "Welcome to Hell!"

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a hot wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The Devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

:biggrin: Good one! A taste of his own venom.

---------- Post added at 01:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:26 PM ----------

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

I love this one!!

I translated this from Indonesian, I hope you guys enjoy. And btw, if you're easily grossed out, don't read!
______
A man was walking on the sidewalk when he saw something.
"Hmm is this dog poop?" He asked to himself. "Let me take a closer look."
The man then leaned down to examine it.
"I'm not sure..." He said, "Let's smell it."
He smelled the thing.
"Well smells like poop, let me taste it to make sure..."
The man then licked a bit of the thing. After thinking for a while, the man concluded,
"Yup, this is dog poop." He said, "Good thing I didn't step on it!"

=:-O

Where to Retire
 

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different", "She is different", or "It was different!"

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end!

OR

You can move to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the child care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

OR

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

That's a lot of typing, and a remarkably good degree of accuracy!

When we moved here (Oak Island, NC, maybe the edge of the "Deep South"), I found something I've never seen before. - a bait & tackle store at the airport!

OR
You can go to Yogyakarta where...
1. The sun sets at 5.30 PM
2. You sleep at 9.00 PM
3. You are in a kingdom, not a city
4. You have chickens in your yard
5. Food is super cheap
6. HONK HONK!
7. Jackfruit is cooked
8. There is a volcano
9. You'll never need a greenhouse for your orchids (except the Cold Growers, for that, go to the mountain tops)
10. The seasons are: Dry, Rainy, and "What's going on!?"

Quite funny!

Cut and paste, then correct the typos. You think I make these all up?

:biggrin:

A good woman
 

Two old timers were quietly sitting in their boat fishing. All of a sudden Elmer says, "I'm thinking of divorcing my wife Eleanor - she hasn't spoken to me in two months." His buddy Earl takes a long, slow sip of tea and replies, "Better think that over ... women like that are hard to find."


From the Sept. 2017 Thumb Print News.

What did the bee say to the flower?

Hello, honey!:)

---------- Post added at 02:35 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:22 AM ----------

What did the old flower say to the younger flower? What’s up, bud?

Squirrels
 

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, and the congregation shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistry, so the squirrels would drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels, and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the Church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they circumcised the first squirrel. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

Good one, ES!:lol:

Did you hear about the terrorist that blow up a bus and burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Now that we're in that season again...

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

After an extremely long day making toys and reading letters, Santa was exhausted, and near the breaking point. Just when he thought he could not handle another interruption, there was a knock on the door.

Santa answered the door, and saw an angel standing there, holding a Christmas tree. The angel asked Santa where to put the tree.

And that is why the Christmas tree has an angel stuck up on top.

Ouch!:biggrin:

Recently there was a study done on Crows. Scientists are baffled about the recent behavior that they discovered. It seems that a realized that many more crows were killed buy trucks then buy cars. After a lengthy study, they came to discover that the reason this was so is because crows can say cacaca, but they cannot say truck truck truck!

Must be a New England joke...

Dog for sale
 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

-----------------------------------------------------------------


A DEA officer stopped @ a farm in Manitoba, & talked with
an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally-grown-drugs."

The farmer said, "Ok, but don't go in that field over there ..... ," as he pointed out the location.

DEA officer verbally-exploded saying, " Mr. I have the authority of the Federal Gov't with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the farmer.

"See this frkkin' badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish .... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear ..... do you understand?!"

Farmer nodded politely, apologized & went about his chores.

A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, & saw the DEA officer running for his life,
being chased by the farmer's humongous bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, it seemed likely he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified!

The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs .....

"Your badge, show him your frkkin' BADGE ...... !"

:rofl:

The joke thread

Oops!! Sorry!

Two young business school graduates were setting up a retail store in a Florida mall. All the shelves and fixtures were in, but the inventory had not yet arrived. One turns to the other and says, “I’ll bet some old fart geezer is going to stick his head in here and ask what we’re selling”.

Sure enough, a matter of a few minutes later, and elderly man glances in, knocks on the glass, and says, “Hey fellas. What’re you selling here?”.

One of the owners responds with “We’re selling assholes”.

Without missing a beat, the gentleman responds “Business must be good. You only have two left.”

:rofl:

An Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case there was a need for it. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a follow-up procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins!”

Oops. Started to post a joke that I'd posted long ago...:blushing:

Where is the back side of a tree?

I'm waiting for answers...:biggrin: