I thought that it was time to revive this thread, it's always been a load of laughs.

This is a joke a colleague shared with us at lunch last week.

A carpenter is looking for a new employee. A man comes in saying you doesn't have much experience but he sure can learn. The carpenter says "alright, but first I gotta see what you can do."

So the carpenter gives him some wood, a hammer and box if nails and tells the guy "I want you to hammer some nails in this board. But first there's something you need to know". He picks up a nail and holds it up in front of him. " Now look at this nail. The pointy side is facing down, and the flat part is on top. That's how you hammer it into the board I gave you." The man says that it's easy, he can do it.

The carpenter comes back a little bit later and sees that a lot of nails were thrown out in the trash heap. So he asks the man "why'd you throw those out for?"

The man replies "Oh, those nails? Well, when I held them up the pointy side was facing up instead of down so I couldn't use them."

The carpenter looks at the man incredulously. "You idiot! You shouldn't have thrown them away, those nails are for the ceiling!!"

Hi Camille, yes I agree, it seems as if the World, with all its problems, has lost its sense of humour. Here is my effort to get the ball rolling.

During the Boer War in the early 1900s, the South African Boers (Afrikaners, most farmers) were fighting against the British army. The Boers were situated on top of a hill, while the Brits were at the bottom of the hill, beating their drums and getting into battle formation.
A Boer's son, at the top of the hill, said to his father : Pa, how many do you think they are. The father took a look over the hill and said there are about 20,000 son.
After a short silence the boy asked again : Pa, how many are we and his father replied : about 150 son.
After another protracted silence the son said : Pa, we are going to get home late tonight again, hey?

Thanks very much .More are welcome!

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

Church Fart
 

An elderly couple go to church services. They are sitting there, and she proceeds to scribble on a piece of paper and hand it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replied, "Get another battery for your hearing aid."

New Ruger Pistol
 

It is adequately called "The Poitician." You can't fire it and it won't work.:((

LOL, that's a good one!

This one has been going around on Facebook, thought I'd share it here!


Bob forgot his anniversary Wednesday. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday!

"These aren't jokes but are quite funny."

What's really amazing is how true his words still ring true, even
though he died in 1935!

Never squat with your spurs on




Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back
into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.The few
who learn by observation.The rest of them have to pee on the electric
fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want
people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the
top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has
been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you're old.

A mother accepts an invite from her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama

:rofl:

In a factory there was board saying "Girls do not wear short skirts because men at work".

Would you please move your cars?

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may be plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

I offered a pretty black kitten to my neighbor boy called Saranga. . He returned the fellow same day saying that it is refusing food and non stop crying.
The another morning few days later a small carrot color kitten was crying on our verandah . And I tried and return the black one to same boy same day .
Another two of kittens were remaining with me from the same litter and now I got three.
After few hours time what was happened was the given kitten was sucking milk from the tabby cat .
I got upset and threw the carrot kitten into a bare land . After another few hours time now almost dark my next neighbor came carrying the carrot one.

. And I talked , tried and return the black one to same boy same day .
Another two of kittens were remaining with me from the same litter and now I got three.
After few hours time what was happened was the given kitten was sucking milk from the tabby cat .
I got upset and threw the carrot kitten into a bare land . You can just think about the games of kittens. After another few hours time now almost dark my next neighbor came carrying the carrot one. Saying"Sister your cat is running here and there". The whole family came with their son too. I said" ours are happily sleeping. " The visitor said then must throw away this one .
Her husband said its bad to do so. " How bad people do these cruel things. "
Like that the conversation was going on and the boy was listing eagle y.
We were all thinking who got this carrot kitten? Suddenly the boy said "Oh, Saranga brought this!" He has seen Saranga was with the cat. Soon the mother held the kitten and ran away from my home and I was released.
Never offer a kitten to your neighbor!

In our small country people sell lottery tickets on pavements. Sometimes they shout and call people to buy tickets saying many words. " Tomorrow is the last day . drawn tomorrow. 50 lakhs '"
At the end of a day after hard work sweep seller went to see a whore . And he fell asleep with her .
As usual he started shouting " Tomorrow , drawing . Drawing tomorrow. " in his sleep. Some people speak during their sleep.
Then the whore got mad, annoyed and slapped the fellow and send him away. She thought she will loose her daily customers by keeping this one in her room.

There is a quite larger paddy field behind our block of land. In between the paddy fields there is a narrow water stream flowing every day and small and muddy fish living in it.
We feed them with boiled rice and shredded bread regularly to get merit and see the happy fish and floating bread. One day my daughter fed them with pack ted fish food and other food stuff.
They didn't eat and even no fights to snatch them.
They were human beings and used to eat only rice in their previous lives.


2. One day we took our bitch to a Vet to get operated her to remove her womb.
There were so many bitches on line to do so.
The assistant gave an injection and put them to sleep. Well we underwent that stage and waiting to lift our bitch to the operating theater.
First time in my life what I saw was a piece of a water gutter about 3 feet was there to keep , lie the patient in position .
The fantastic idea was that can hold two baby bitches at the same time.

Farmer Jones retires
 

Farmer Jones and his wife were finally getting ready to retire, sell the farm, and move to Florida. As they were packing their belongings Mrs. Jones came across Pa's jewelry box with some miscellaneous items and three peas. Confused by the three peas she asked Pa "Pa, why are there three peas in this box"?

Pa replied, "We've had 60 wonderful years together but I have to admit that I cheated on you. Every time I did I put a pea in the box".

Ma thought about this for a moment and then replied, "Well, three times in sixty years, I can forgive you for that".

I bit later Pa came across Ma's jewelry box containing her meager collection of jewelry, two kernels of corn, and $3.50.

This time it was Pa's turn to be confused. "Ma, what are the two kernels of corn for"?

Ma confessed that, like him, she had also cheated and when she did she put a kernel of corn in the box.

Pa thought about this and said "Well, two times in 60 years, I can forgive you for that, but what is the $3.50 for"?

Ma somewhat indignantly replied "Well, when corn hit $3.50/bushel I had to sell".

:shock: LOL

One morning on the way to work I had a bird hit the windshield. Blood, guts and feathers were everywhere and the carcass was stuck under the windshield wiper. I decided to turn on the wipers and washers in the hope of clearing the windshield and getting rid of the body of the bird. My idea worked, but unfortunately the body flew over the top of my car and hit the windshield of a police car traveling behind me.

The cop pulled me over and gave me a ticket.......






for flipping him the bird!

*groan* ;)

I guess I should try and revive this thread... ;)

I was walking out of a bar, very drunk indeed. I saw two enormously fat ladies talking on the sidewalk outside. They both had strong accents. So I went up to them and asked, "Are you two ladies from England?" One turned around and yelled, "It's Wales!" so I said, "Ok, are you two whales from England?"

And that's the last thing I remember...

Anyone? No one? Ok...


My husband came up to me today and said, "I've been thinking, I'm the man of this house, and you should respect that. So the second I walk through the door I expect the house to be spotless and a hot dinner to be waiting. Then I want you to bring my my robe and the newspaper, and run my bath. After that, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
I smiled slightly and answered his completely obvious question.
"Why, the funeral home of course."

The first thought came to my mind is why did you go so far to the funeral home. That is not nice of course
You could have said . " Oh are you drunken or are you lifeless?"
:rofl: :rofl: :biggrin:

I miss so much our cb977 ! Didn't here from her for a longer time. :( :(

I've heard from her regularly on facebook. She's doing well and still has orchids but spends less time on them than in the past.

Very good! :)

Two cats looking at a statue in a park and one cat says to the other. He is my hero I once saw him take 43 hit in a row from a spray bottle to the face and he did not even flinch.

I got a mailer for what looks like a really good memory care home. I put it aside to read later, but I can't find it.

There funny. I don't think I have ever read this thread before.

I, as the male of the house, always have the last word in every issue: "Yes, my dear! Yes, my dear!"

And she say's........Right answer.

I've noticed lately when I use the words "I", "oh", "you", or "why" my wife gets upset. I mentioned it to my doctor the last time I was in.

He said he thinks she may be suffering from "Irritable Vowel Syndrome".

Well, it seems we're on the mood for marriage jokes...

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.
She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.:rofl:

:rofl:

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

Alan's true love.:rofl:

---------- Post added at 11:01 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:59 PM ----------

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha**! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”:biggrin:

A couple was dining in a Chinese restaurant. When the bill came, with two fortune cookies, the woman asked the man what his said. He wouldn't tell her. She insisted he give her his fortune. He replied, "You already have my fortune."

:rofl:
Nice one!

Another on the same subject...

A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.

Bob dies and goes up to heaven. At the Pearly Gates he meets St. Peter.
St. Peter says to Bob "Spell who"
Bob "W-H-O, why did you ask me that?"
St. Peter "Oh there's a spelling test to get into heaven"
A few years later St. Peter asks Bob to look after the Pearly Gates for a few hours "You remember the test?" Bob is waiting at the gates, and up comes his wife.
Bob to his wife "Spell Czechoslovakia"

:rofl:

---------- Post added at 09:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:45 PM ----------

:D

https://qph.ec.quoracdn.net/main-qim...4bd4153b507f-c