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No Thank you very much! Perhaps you would want to go for a cup of coffee ;) :coverlaugh: |
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I have to copy and paste these into an email and send them a number of people I know will appreciate them :Tup: The first one is too funny :crackup: |
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Al |
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:biggrin: :lol: :rofl: :rofl:
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Do they have any Starbucks in SA? :biggrin: :llama: Dat's right I'm back ;) :coverlaugh: |
The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! |
:rofl: :crackup:
I've seen that before but it still makes me laugh.:biggrin: |
Ahhhhhhh, Rosie!:blushing: But you're European. I am waiting for ze ozer kontinents. Maybe zey'l aprov zes improvements tu. :coverlaugh:
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:rofl: Brilliant!
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Exercise Techniques
Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. 01) Beating around the bush 02) Jumping to conclusions 03) Climbing the walls 04) Swallowing your pride 05) Passing the buck 06) Throwing your weight around 07) Dragging your heels 08) Pushing your luck 09) Making mountains out of molehills 10) Hitting the nail on the head 11) Wading through paperwork 12) Bending over backwards 13) Jumping on the bandwagon 14) Balancing the books 15) Running around in circles 16) Eating crow 17) Tooting your own horn 18) Climbing the ladder of success 19) Pulling out all the stops 20) Adding fuel to the fire 21) Opening a can of worms 22) Putting your foot in your mouth 23) Starting the ball rolling 24) Going over the edge 25) Picking up the pieces Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and 26) Exercise caution. |
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My son has a German girlfriend and despite that he still gets by in German by speking lik dis:rofl: |
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Oh! Tiger:rofl:
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Tickle Me, Please........
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday, Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I sent this to my friend and he sent me the following reply: My brother was once in a huge BYU biology class. The teacher announced a pop quiz. The class groaned in dismay. "Don't worry" he said, "it's just a little quizzy" He left the room for a minute. Apparently the quiz was pretty tough. From the back of the room a girl said loudly: Sheesh, if this is on of his little quizzies I'd like to see his testies!". The whole place exploded with laughter. |
LOL it reminds me of my time at teh university in Heidelberg. I was a PhD student at the time and went to a lecture about toxicology... during his presentation, the Prof talked about his newly published article, and said he would give a copy of it to each student. However, in order to avoid the chaos during the lecture he announced that each student could pick his own copy from the desk (next to teh exit door) at the end of the lecture: "Beim Ausgehen, Sie können sich selber einen runter holen!" which even though grammatically correct, it also mean in colloquial language: "While you leave, you can jerk off!" of course the whole room exploded laughing... so strong, that the Prof (while blushed and hysterically laughing) called for a 15 min coffee break....
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A Christmas Cake
Ingredients: * 2 cups flour * 1 stick butter * 1 cup of water * 1 tsp baking soda * 1 cup of sugar * 1 tsp salt * 1 cup of brown sugar * Lemon juice * 4 large eggs * Nuts * 1 bottle Brandy * 2 cups of dried fruit Sample the brandy to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the brandy again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the brandy is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the brandy. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the brandy and wipe counter with the cat. Bingle Jells! :HOXmasX036: |
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My Grand mother used to make all her favorite offspring(of which there were many) small Xmas cakes as Xmas presents every year. these cakes were eagerly awaited by the recipients each year Gran your secrets out I am afraid !!:rofl:
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It is with great
regret that we inform you that Kermit the Frog has passed away at age 54 from the swine flu. His last words were, "That pig said she was clean!"
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This is no joke
I WISH ALL MY FELLOW ORCHIDEERS A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.:twocents:
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Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state:
Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. "What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan. "We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!" A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida. "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!" Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and PUSHED the New Yorker out. |
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.” 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” . 12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s. |
A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..." "But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked. "How do you think I called you people?" |
Oh Matt, I guess the cracker jokes were really good this year!! :rofl:
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Penguins
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives anextremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as wellas maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspringthroughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the familyand social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using theirvestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead birdto be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow" "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Then they kick him in the ice hole." !!! :rofl: You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you! |
:rofl: :rofl: :waving :biggrin: :biggrin:
invite for more jokes. |
Nothing going right?
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. " I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me". "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then a wise ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!" :yikes: :rofl: |
Ha ha ha!
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Old People!! |
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you! St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?” “Couple of minutes ago.” :tombstone: |
Understanding Engineers
I was sent these on an e-mail and they made me smile, although I'm not technically sure that they are jokes. But then I am an engineer - so maybe I don't get it :rofl:
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ----------------------- UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ----------------------- UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Three A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes! The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George, what's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" ----------------------- UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Four A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." ----------------------- UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Five What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets. ----------------------- UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Six Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough featuresyet. ----------------------- UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Seven An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Replied the architect and artist. "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." ----------------------- UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Eight One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Ps I don't know why the font sizes vary and i couldn#t edit so they didn't |
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MORE WACKY WARNINGS On a bottle of dog shampoo: Contents should not be fed to fish. On a blanket: Not to be used as protection from a tornado. On a 12-inch CD rack: Do not use as a ladder. On a carpenter's drill: Not intended for use as a dental drill. On a cocktail napkin with a mini map of Hilton Head, South Carolina: Not to be used for navigation. |
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS -
I am a technician and I thought they were quite funny too. Ps I don't know why the font sizes vary and i couldn#t edit so they didn't You obviously need a technician...... :lol: |
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LOL Excellent! |
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Here's a cheesy one from a chemistry class long ago:
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly, one starts to panic, and the other looks at him in a puzzled way. H1: "What are you so worried about?" H2: "Bob, I think I lost something." H1: "Are you sure?" H2: "Yeah, I'm positive." :rofl: |
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Yes, I probably do!! As long as you're not a dental technician............ |
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice figures.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before. :lol: |
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