This came to me in an email today...
 

"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gon e through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Pete sakes.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . .masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . ..I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!


Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!


:rofl:

This came to me today in an e-mail
 

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were okay.The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for sixteen years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked her mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened sixteen years ago. About a week later, the second daughter came into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened long ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears...'It's okay said the Mom,'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

:crackup:

:yikes:

Those are so funny :rofl:

What has four legs and an arm?





An alligator on a playground.

Just received this email thought I would share with you.


HOME DEPOT SCAM

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car
as you are packing
your items into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with
a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their
skimpy T-shirts. it is impossible not to look. When you thank them and
offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to
McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th,
twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also August 1st & 4th,
Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Monday
and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Target has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones
for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to
eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 5 Kgs just running back and forth
to Home Depot.

:rofl:

OK, you must not shop very hard if your items fit into your boot. When I go to a HI store the trunk, back seat and very likely the passenger area with my sometimes disgruntled wife are crammed full.

:bad::bad::bad::bad: your procedure is completelly wrong!!! Try again with less items and without wife...

AAAH!! there is your mistake, you take your wife with you!:lol:

Yeah, she does take up room...


(I almost said a lot of room! :blushing:)

Will you be getting super tonight or are you eating out ................ That is eating out of a can !!:lol:
Hope our wives are not reading this !!:shock:

Des, that was a fantastic joke! :rofl:

Speeding...
 

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"

Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."

Officer: "The car is stolen?"

Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"

Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

Driver: "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: "Sir, may I see your license?"

Driver: "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

Captain: "Whose car is this?"

Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car.

Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

Driver: "Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too..."

Signs that you're over the hill...
 

(The last one is me...)

----------------------------------
Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

You tune into the easy listening station... on purpose.

You keep repeating yourself.

You start video taping daytime game shows.

You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar... a month at a time.

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into 'dueling ailments'.

You keep repeating yourself.

You discover the words 'whippersnapper', 'scalawag' and 'by cracky' creeping into your vocabulary.

You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

You look both ways before crossing a room.

You keep repeating yourself.

You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

You go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

10 Rules of House-keeping
 

"Vacuuming too often will weaken the carpet fibers." Say this with a serious face and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply say, "What? And spoil the mood?"

Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love for you to see our den but
Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch 'The Galapagos Islands' and claim an ecological exemption.

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
:coverlaugh:

10/10

Baz

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling’.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

:rofl:

Question: What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen?

Answer: Linoleum-blown-apart.;)

:coverlaugh:

:rofl:

In Honor of Halloween
 

Q: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
A. Give him screws.
(GROAN)

Here are a few important Halloween tips passed on to me years ago that have kept me safe:

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

Susan :vampire1:

All sound advice Sue. I always wonder at the sanity of people who split up in these circumstances - maybe I'm just too skeptical for horror movies, they often make me laugh :lol:

Great joke, Des :rofl:

:rofl: :bua: :rofl:

well, that's when the rest of the world laugh and is convince that the most valerous people in this world are "Blond Sexy USAmerican Teenagers"... Those are always the ones that knowing there is a monster or killer around the house, always go alone (and almost naked), without a flashlight, and with a dessert knife or spoon in the hand, to check what are the noises in the basement (not noticing there is suddenly nolight - or they just do notturn it on - and teh telefon line is broken) :rofl:

For the ladies:

A man is like a deck of cards: You need a heart to fall in love with him, a diamond to marry him, a club to kill him and a spade to bury him.

For the guys:

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

:rofl:

What Women Want In a Man
 

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking-prefer hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at Denny's on occasion
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it is a weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:scratchhead: What am I laughing about ...
I'm looking in the age 52 range for a man! :faint:

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
 

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,

but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,'

she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

:twocents: you're gonna read this again

I was thinking what a list would be for what a man wants in a woman would be difficult to come up with, then it dawned on me:

Ages 18 to death:
1 SEX
2 NO NAGGING

Simple

What about Washing, Ironing, Food-providing, Etc.
Oh that defines a W-I-F-E ...

:coverlaugh:

Oh boy, hope your better half does not read your post ,you going to be getting cold shoulder for some time!!:lol:

cold shoulder = cold showers ...

:coverlaugh:

Here is a good old South African Van Der Merwe joke

---------
Reminds me of the story about Van walking up and down Elloff St spreading 'white powder' out of a brown paper bag.
When asked what he was doing he said "I'm spreading this crocodile repellant".
When told there were no bloody crocodiles in Elloff St., he replied "Bloody good powder, dont you think?".

Torn up newspaper works well with repelling elephants. I haven't seen one since I started using it.

Listen to Uncle Al, go for a guy in his 20's........

Al;)

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
____________ _________ _________ _______


FAMILY


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________ _________ _________ _______

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________ _________ _________ _______

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up ! And down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________ _________ _________ _______

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my! Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
____________ _________ _________ _______

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________ _________ _________ _______

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
____________ _________ _________ _______

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ____________ _________ _________ _______

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please !!!! TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!