Welcome To Wal-Mart
 

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....About two hours into my first day on the job and a very loud, unattractive mean acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I was instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell, no, they ain't twins. One is 9 and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?" So, I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." My supervisor said I probably was not cut out for this line of work.

The floods
 

A long time ago a huge floods came and one man was sitting on a rock surrounded by floods no way of getting a helping hand .
A man came by a boat and asked him to get in. He said I wont climb in bec God will come to save me.
Again some boys came rowing a banana trunks ferry boat and ask him to jump .
He refused and hoping God.

Thirdly some one came by a motor boat and called him come with him for safety .
but he didn't like to accept the offer.
After some time more floods arrived and water level rose to cover the rock. The man drowned and he died and reincarnated in the heaven.
He met the God and Asked "Why didn't you come to save me? "
God replied" I came thrice to save you but you didn't like to come with me"
:biggrin: :biggrin:

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,

And finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
Cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
Cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
The voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
The ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to o cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! And said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,






"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

LOL!!
 

I had heard that one before, but it has been a number of years. An oldie, but a goodie. Thanks!:)

This received via email today
YOU ARE PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN WHEN:
You call a bathing suit a 'swimming costume'.

You call a traffic light a 'robot'.
You call an elevator a 'lift'
You call a hood a 'bonnet'
You call a trunk a 'boot'
You call a pickup truck a 'bakkie'
You call a Barbeque a 'Braai'
You call a glove box a cubby whole.

The employees dance in front of the building
to show how unhappy they are.

The SABC advertises and shows highlights of
the programme you just finished watching.

You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees
Celsius is Arctic weather.

You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've
never had any.

You can sing your national anthem in four
languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.

You know someone who knows someone who has met
Nelson Mandela.

You go to braais regularly, where you eat
boerewors and swim, sometimes simultaneously.

You produce a R100 note instead of your
driver's licence when stopped by a traffic officer.

You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.

You have to hire a security guard whenever you
park your car.

When you are a victim of crime and say: 'At
least I'm still alive'.

You know a taxi can move twice it's certified
number of people in one trip.

You travel 100's of kilometres to see snow.

You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee

To get free electricity you have to pay a
connection fee of R750.

More people vote in a local reality TV show
than in a local election.

People have the most wonderful names:
Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift,
Precious, Innocence and Given, Patience, Portion, Coronation.

'Now now' or 'just now' can mean anything from
a minute to a month.

You continue to wait after a traffic light has
turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite
direction.

Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest
vehicle on the highway/freeway.

You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised
whenever you find your car parked where you left it.

A bullet train is being introduced, but we
can't fix potholes.

The last time you visited the coast you paid
more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire
holiday.

You call a hot water system a geyser

The State Pres has four wives and is planning on another two



You paint your car's registration on the roof.

You have to take your own linen with you if
you are admitted to a government hospital.

You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.

Prisoners go on strike.

You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case
somebody hijacks your car.

You consider it a good month if you only get
mugged once.

Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country
because the crime rate is too high.
You consider a high crime rate as normal.

You actually get these jokes (but they ARE
true!) and pass them on to other friends from SA.
VIVA !!!!!

Spaghetti
 

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,
he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to
simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti'
on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange
post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.


On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.'

bahahahaha! :rofl: thanks for that one Bolero

I've got some funnies
 

I thought these were too cute.

Rules to Consider



1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a niceperson.(This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

34. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $25.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $26.00



Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Drink Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Drink Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) More Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
any missed steps.

35) Beer (again).

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00

Total -- $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

Nashville Driving Instructions



1. Before entering the city limits, be prepared to discuss in 500 words or more why Nashville is superior to Memphis, Knoxville, Chattanooga, St. Louis, Atlanta… well, you get the picture.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Traffic rules in Nashville can be summed up easily: Hold on and pray.

3. All directions start with, "Get on Old Hickory Blvd...." which has no beginning and no end and is not necessarily continuous.

4. If you are on a street named something other than the street you are looking for, check it out anyway -- it may turn into the street you are looking for. On the other hand, when you are on a street with the name you are looking for, you may not be able to get to the address you are looking for anyway.

5. Demonbreun can only be pronounced by a native of Tennessee. Ditto for Tusculum. Ditto for Lafayette. Ditto for Shelbyville, Tullahoma, Goodlettsville, Gallatin, well, you know.

6. The morning rush hour starts at 5:00 am and ends at 10:00 am. The evening rush hour starts at 3:00 pm and ends at 7:00 pm. Friday's evening rush hour starts on Thursday morning. Be prepared.

7. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."

8. If it's raining, “hold on and pray.” If it’s sleeting or snowing, don't expect to get where you're going before dawn.

9. If it's 10 degrees below zero, sleeting and snowing and the Cumberland River has frozen over, then you know that Vanderbilt ha just won the SEC Championship in a sport other than women's lacrosse, volleyball or tennis.

9. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you might be rear ended, will be cussed out and possibly shot. When you are first car at the light, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Nashville. They all drive like that.

12. I-40 East is Nashville’s daily version of NASCAR...with a perpetual caution flag.

13. The minimum acceptable speed on I-65 North between the Kentucky state Line and the I-65/I-24 split at Trinity Lane is 115 miles per hour. Anything less is considered dangerous to the health and well being of the drive who is actually driving that slow!

14. Construction on I-40, I-65, I-24, I-440, I-840 in ANY part of Nashville (north, south, east or west) is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. When there is nothing to construct, don't worry: they will dig up perfectly good road and replace it to ensure your continued entertainment.

15. If you are in the left lane and only going 75mph in a 55mph zone...people are NOT waving when they go by.

16. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk or stare at anyone.

17. The wrought iron on windows in South Nashville isn't ornamental.

18. East Nashville is actually north of town, but you don't want to go there anyway.

19. All unexplained sights can be explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in Bordeaux!!"

20. Anyone within 50 miles of Nashville in any direction going towards Nashville on the day of a Titans home game is certifiably a crazy person.

Clean Jokes for the slightly twisted mind.

And... more jokes for the slightly twisted mind.

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette

3. The dryer has shrunk every pair of your jeans
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday

11. You understand why there is no number 8!

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10 Cats' facial expressions
9 The need for the same style of shoes in different colours
8 Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7 Fat clothes
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5 The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell
4 Cutting your hair to make it grow
3 Eyelash curlers
2 The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1 OTHER WOMEN

A check sent to Verizon from an upset customer. The amount is believed to be $533.80 (we think).

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN TENNESSEE!

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a
couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto" is one word..

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there
is supper.


Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!


Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you.

" DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

"Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.


You know what a "DAWG" is.


You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on
one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and
Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as"goin' Wal-martin"
or off to "Wally World."

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . .it' is a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama
says we can drive, we can drive.


EVERYONE can't be a Tennessean; it takes talent. You might say, it is art form or a gift from God!

A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late s on."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout,
And as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out,

" Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled
Back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
Into someone's day, he went to pay for his
Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ...
I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

A little boy
wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those a-holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.



WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?



HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"



WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"



HUSBAND: "Of course I do."



WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"



HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."



WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)



HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)



WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"



HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."



WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"



HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"



WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"



HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."



WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"



HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"



WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"



HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."



WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?



HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."



WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?



HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: -- silence ------



HUSBAND: "Shit."




Okay, that's all I've got.

Amanda! you've made my day! those jokes are wonderful. thanks! :rofl::rofl::rofl:

hahahahahahaahahahah good one :rofl:

Prepare to be Pun-ished
 

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Circumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A -flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

* A calendar’s days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those that gets too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

The Blonde Cop
 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

Three Old Ladies
 

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

A heart warming elephant story
 

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North Western University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

Negative People



This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Where'd you get the horrible Hairdo?"

The "V" word...
 

A man went to the20doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his
request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.

"It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is
coming into town on Friday, one of my ex's will be here on Saturday,
and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to
come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any
side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his
right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

I used to grow prayer plants under lights on a timer. The timer malfunctioned and sped up the day/night cycle until it was going so fast that the plants flew out the window. I haven't seen them since.

The other day, I was sitting in my doctor's waiting room valiantly fighting a loosing battle with terminal 'flu and reading a 100 y.o. Reader's Digest and I read a joke that tickled my weird sense of humour.........

What is Irish and stays out all night?
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Patty O'Furniture.

Picture says it all....
 

....

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

What are big brothers for....
 

I doubt if I could have thought that quickly I would have forgotten my name broken into a cold sweat and you could have lit a cigar from either of my cheeks!!!:rofl::rofl:

Not sure if this has been told before or not but here goes.

A man & woman go into a Chinese Restaurant, both have a drink when the waiter arrives and they both order a Chicken dish. While having another drink and chat the waiter returns and places a large bowl with a lid on the table. Just then the lid lifts up and two beady eyes poke out. The mans says to the waiter "Whats this, we ordered Chicken"
The waiter looks and says " so solly, me give you ....... Peeking Duck

A friend sent this to me in an email this morning and it was too funny to not share with my friends on OB...

How I learned to mind my own business ....

I was walking past the mental hospital one day, and from behind the fence I could hear all the patients shouting, "13...13....13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting, "14...14...14..."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: