:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Des...Oh My God!!! :rofl:

Des, I don't know what to say. I guess I feel better knowing that my jokes are horrible, and probably didn't contribute to your OB disaster. Are the dog, cat, and computer ok?

:biggrin: Well to be honest only the part about the hot soup in my lap is true . the rest was written to try and take yours minds off that horrible storm approaching , even if only for a moment. Keep safe you guys and batton down the hatches !!!
Des

LOL LOL LOL

Des...great job!!!
That was just TOO funny!!! :crackup:

Des, you stinker! I could totally picture a dog getting hit on the head and bolting right through a screen door.

Oh, and it worked. Took my mind off Ike - for a second.

Stay under the tree for a while you may get better.:bad:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

sorry guy :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: that's better than the joke!!!

My cat has been sick these days... here the advise given by a friend of mine:
 

How to Give a Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table..

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

:rofl:

:rofl: :rofl: Been there done that!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
That was hilarious!! I should NEVER read the joke thread while eating or drinking, because I just sprayed milk and chocolate chip cookie goop all over my computer screen!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Now I have to clean the cookie dribbles off the screen!

Ramon, that is hilarious! It reminds me of when I had to give dewormer pills to my pet ducks. There was poop, water, and duck barf absolutely everywhere by the time I finished with all 13 of them! :rofl:

Children... Gotta love em!


1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed
his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions
expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to
you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found
himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The
little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I
answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever
needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's
right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot
toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my
police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is
that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied
puzzled. The boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his
collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found
a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and
unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at
my funeral!)

9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't
read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he
saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama,
look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'

Lines That Make You Smile
 

I have highlighted my favorites... :evil:


1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Funny stuff, Ramon :coverlaugh:

I like your choices and #13 the best :rofl:

No 5 for me,but all are relevant.:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

LOL! Love this one Ramon! :rofl:

Sue, it indeed uses some chlorine.. check The Darwin Awards :)

Those are great Ramon!!:rofl: I like your choices too, but my favorite is #12!

Little Johnny says to his mom
"Mommy why did Daddy leave "
"We have separated my son, one day when you are older you will understand" his mother tells him.
Driving her son to school the next morning little Johnny is looking at his Moms driving license and says "Mom I know why Dad left"
"Oh and why might that be " she says.
" Because you got an F for sex " he says.

How real is that.:rofl: :rofl:

:rofl: :rofl: Kids are those little monsters that always say the truth, when you less expect it... :_(

The following was written by children,
no corrections have been made.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were drowned in the desert.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Solomon, one of David's sons had 300 wives and 300 porcupines.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony.

:rofl: :bowing Very good Reminds me of that radio show ,was it Art Linkletter? , the guy who interviewed kids on his show.

hhmm... and then, some people still think the man has teh lead of the house...


all of a sudden GlaxoSmithKline appeared in scene, bought the patent and send everybody else to H... :rofl:


:hmm :scratchhead: what exactly was he referring to with porcupines? :scratchhead: :hmm


somehow... seems to be right... :rofl:

[QUOTE=kavanaru;153170]hhmm...

:hmm :scratchhead: what exactly was he referring to with porcupines? :scratchhead: :hmm


With 300 concubines, things might get a bit prickly at times. He probably had to walk cautiously on more than one occasion. :rofl:

:rofl:

:crackup:

Oh boy, what would we do without humor in our lives , especially during these difficult times!

An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, D r.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you . That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'

:yikes::rofl:

LMAO 5 good leads!!!! I love it

Why Parents Drink



The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

:rofl: :rofl: That's too funny! I was not expecting that ending.

I would never drink because of that... I would bake and eat that child, instead!! what an AH!!

but somehow, reminds me of my own chilhood (but without the helicopter) :rofl: :rofl:

love it!

P.S.- No, I never did that to my parents... at leats not exactly like that :rofl:

Ya gotta laugh, nice one:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

How Do You Decide To Marry?
(Written By Kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7< STRONG>

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

:rofl:
Kids...gotta love 'em!

Aren't kids precious I just love them !
The weather forecast for yesterday was heavy rain( which we have not had for some time ) and gale-force winds so I rushed outside to put up some added protection around my plants . The little girl who lives next door was helping her mommy hurriedly taking in the laundry when it started to rain I heard her say to her mother "mommy there's water falling from the sky! is God crying ? Her mom replied "no dear its just raining"
And I thought to myself ,just when is it that adults lose their imagination