The first time I saw this I almost died laughing. I'm a Stacy Keach fan.


YouTube - Guy Kicking Self in the Head

Jim, a traveling salesman, cuts through a country road to save some time. As he passes a farm house, he notices a pig wandering around the front yard. After traveling on down the road about half a mile it suddenly hits him that the pig had a wooden leg. He turns around and parks in the farmers driveway and looks again at the pig and the farmer wanders out and asks if he can be of help. Jim asks the farmer if he realizes that a pig with a wooden leg is wandering around his front yard. Yep, says the farmer. Thats one special pig. About 6 months ago the pig was rooting the ground in the back 40 and hit oil. I'm pumping about 10 barrels a day. Pretty impressive Jim says. That's not all the farmer replied. About 3 months ago, that pig broke into the house raising a ruckus and when it woke us up we realized that the barn was on fire. He then rushed into the barn and led out all the horses one by one. We didn't lose a one of them. Wow, that IS impressive says Jim, but that still doesn't explain the wooden leg. The farmer replies, Man, you just don't eat a pig like that all at once!!

How 'bout:

Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told
us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor
on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady,
You need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that ½ was larger than 1/4. He said,
"NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.
_______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore." From Kingman , KS _______________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep... >From Kansas
City ! _______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened
in Birmingham , Ala. _______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What
on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in
Wichita , KS _______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing. " Our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We
all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This
was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on. She was a deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs
office no less.

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IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got
that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi .

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," asks the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

:crackup:

Last night talked to my brother on the phone I told him I found a name for my basement " He said you named your basement" I said yes I call it here after, he said why I told him when I go down there I stand at the bottom of the stairs and say what the HELL am I here after.
And thats the truth. Jim.

:coverlaugh:

Little Johnny
 

Little Johnny comes home from his first day at a new school. He can hardly wait to tell his father what has happened at school that day. "Dad, today at school, we were doing our alphabet. Most of the kids got to M or N, but I recited my whole alphabet, with no mistakes. Why is that Daddy?" "Well, son, that's because you're from Georgia."

The next day, Johnny came home from school, again, very eager to talk with his Dad. "Dad, today at school in Math class, they had us counting. Many of the kids got as high as 30 or 40, but I got all the way to 100. Why is that Dad?" "That's because you're from Georgia, son."

The following day, Johnny came in and said, "Dad, today at school, we had gym class. After the class, we took showers. I couldn't help but notice that I was bigger in many areas than my classmates. Is that because I'm from Georgia?" "No son, that's because you're 18!":blushing: :biggrin: