A customer enters a florist.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this orchid what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead orchid when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable plant, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful foliage!
C: The foliage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the pot)
'Ello, Mister Orchid! I've got a lovely fresh seaweed drench for you if you show...(owner hits the pot)
O: There, he grew!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the pot!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the pot repeatedly) 'ELLO ORCHID!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes orchid out of the pot and thumps its crown on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead orchid.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's blasted!
C: BLASTED?!?
O: Yeah! You blasted him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues blast easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That orchid is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of growth was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged keiki.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable plant, id'nit, squire? Lovely foliage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that orchid when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its pot in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that plant down, it would have nuzzled up to those drainage holes, bent 'em apart with its roots, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this plant wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This orchid is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the pot 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-ORCHID!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of orchids.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it flower?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's florist in Bolton, he'll replace the orchid for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
<snip>
Last edited by Discus; 06-28-2013 at 10:53 AM..
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Even before reading this, when I saw the subject line in the list of new posts, immediately the phrase "lovely plumage, the Norwegian Blue" came to mind. 
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