Anyone here childfree? - Orchid Board

gardengirl13 · #1 02-08-2013, 03:51 PM

I know this can be a touchy topic for some, so please don't post here if you're going to be judgmental. Thank you!!

My husband and I have known each other since 5th grade. We're high School sweethearts and will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this year! A few years ago after many years of serious talks we decided not to have kids. For many reasons, some very personal and some not so personal.

I'm VERY lucky in the fact my family are all very happy with whatever we do so we never get family pressure, on either side, to have kids. Most of my friends are happy for us too. Some don't have kids themselves and never will others don't know yet. It's strangers that have given me the most grief about it. People who don't know me at all. I'm not sure why this is. They think we're selfish, or mean, or whatever. We know what we want and what we can handle. Why would someone want us to have a kid that wouldn't have 100% of what we would want for a kid if we had one?

Forcing people to have kids, or telling people they don't have the option to say no is one cause of child abuse and neglect. I personally think we as a culture should encourage this choice not condemn it. You see childfree people in movies and on TV and you see greedy horrible rabbit killing people. Not normal people. Not people like us. You see people who don't want kids, then something happens and they get all gooey and want them. Which then stereo types us into the "you'll change your mind" camp.

OK before I go into this too much I was just wondering if there are others like me on this forum. If anyone would be interested in discussing this. And no you don't have to be childfree to post here. Parents are welcome and if it's not too painful people who want to have kids but can't can also post here too.

I would like this to be a safe zone where we can discuss the many things that come up in our lives.

greengarden · #2 02-08-2013, 04:00 PM

How ridiculous that people should care whether you choose to have kids or not. I have three but I don't take issue with anyone who chooses not to have any, its a choice you make for yourself and no one elses to make.

The only individual I know with no kids who I do take issue with is one particular person i know who is basically the opposite situation of those you have found who insists on being particularly rude about anyone who does have kids and talks about their children like they are some sort of disease. (down to calling their children 'it' when referring to them). So I guess I understand the rude behaviour you have had to deal with.

gardengirl13 · #3 02-08-2013, 04:08 PM

Yeah some CF people are rude too. There are some things I don't like about some parents (not generalizing, I'm talking about people I know personally who neglect their kids on a regular basis) but I would never say it to anyone! Just like I know people may not like my choice. But for people to tell me I'm a bad person is crazy! I guess all kinds of people are just as rude.

One reason I don't have them is my health. Somewhere somehow something inside me, deep inside told me not to have kids. I didn't want to listen. you get married and have kids, that's life right? Well I'm glad I did listen. 6 months after we got the big snip I was diagnosed with this horrible autoimmune inflammatory arthritis that now is hurting me VERY badly. There is no way I would be able to be the very best mom I would want to be. I know I could do it if I pushed myself. But I know what would have happened. I'd grow to resent the kid. I would NEVER EVER want to have that happen. It would not be fair to have a kid and know that's how I'd feel.

I do REALLY appreciate good parents though, like your post about your 3 year old! i have actually pulled mom's aside to tell them how great they are and how good their kids are! I remember people telling my mother this and how proud it made her! It makes me so happy to see parents who through everything can handle things so well and raise such wonderful people!

greengarden · #4 02-08-2013, 04:20 PM

I can understand where you are coming from. I too have an autoimmune disorder, mostly rectified now by removal of my spleen but it has left me with a compromised immune system. I am actually sitting here right now with some sort of nasty flu- on a beautiful mid summers day-How Rude!! I think that had we not had our children when we did, quite early in our 20s, we might have chosen not have them further into our lives. Not because we didn't want kids but because both of our careers aren't really ideal for children(husband is defence force and I was supposed to be going into field research which i haven't been able to do) and as we got older we may have just made a choice that we were enjoying our careers too much. But at the same time the fact that we had them young means that they will be grown an heading out on their own long before either of us considers retirement so I can go back to my career then if I want to. In the meantime I have trained as a primary school teacher(way to go bright spark, what a job for someone with low immunity LOL)

Leafmite · #5 02-08-2013, 04:25 PM

I think it to be a personal choice. We have several friends who chose not to have kids. Too bad people are so rude to you. You will find that, no matter what you do or don't do, you will find rude people. If it really bothers you, create some freaky horror story that will make them wish they'd never asked (preferably long and gross).

gardengirl13 · #6 02-08-2013, 06:55 PM

leafmite I know someone who can really cry on demand. When lectured about not having kids she'll cry and say she's been trying for 15 years and can't have them. She says it really shuts people up quick.

But we shouldn't have to resort to this. We should be accepted for who we are. I'm not saying to you, mind you, I'm just saying it in general out of frustration.

greengarden · #7 02-08-2013, 07:05 PM

No you shouldn't. I really do think that unless you are doing something that is actively hurting someone then decisions regarding the make up of you family, your chosen religion and the way you spend your time are really no one elses business but your own.

Leafmite · #8 02-08-2013, 10:07 PM

I understand what you are going through because I graduated in chemical engineering with specialties in biochem, polymers, and pollution--one of the few females in my class, at a college where only one in six made it through, and went on to become a stay at home mom. Yep. You think people were happy I had kids and was a devoted, loving mother raising really great kids? Ha ha! All I heard is 'When are you getting a job?' or 'You mean you really don't work?' 'I heard about such and such...you should apply!' Eek! I know I did the right thing and I have no regrets but really? It was very frustrating but in this day and age, with all the things kids face, they needed someone there when they came home. If both you and your spouse are absolutely certain, then you are doing what is right for both of you. It would only be selfish if your spouse wasn't as pleased with the decision but as this doesn't seem to be the case, go out there and enjoy your life and don't give any thought to the criticism. So...go have fun!!!!

isurus79 · #9 02-08-2013, 10:39 PM

Interesting thread. My wife and I have been together for nearly 10 years and married for 3.5 years, but no kids. That's really only due to our financial situation though! As soon as we are both firing on all financial cylinders, we would like to have kids.

I think its very rude of people to negatively judge those who chose not to have kids. I think its a great choice and being a parent shouldn't be a burden. Only those making the decision know whether or not having children will be a burden to them, whether it be physically, mentally, financially or all three!

That being said, I've met many couples who have decided not to have kids. My only issue with them not having kids is that every single one of them are VERY intelligent, hard working people. They are the very types of people whose DNA should be passed on to future generations!! lol It seems like the smart people aren't breeding and the dummies are breeding like rabbits!!!

Pilot · #10 02-08-2013, 11:49 PM

We have one kid...daughter named Anna. We tried for a long time and have up but not after serious mental anguish on my wife's side. She was so upset not to bear any children. But she managed to get past it. Went to a party, got rip roaring tanked and tadaaaa! Nine months later I greeted Anna to the world. Worked for some girls in my high school class and looks like it worked for us too!

When we found out we were having Anna...we both were settled in to our careers, traveled a bunch and were seeing the world. Glad to say, we still do all of the above but now Anna gets to see it too.

So to those without kids, you get no judgment from me. Having spent time on the childless side of the spectrum was so telling who really cared for us and educational for us when it comes to other couples who choose not to have kids or who could not.