Anyone here childfree?

[cbuchman]

I too am childless, though not by choice. We are often asked, if we have children. My response is "I have no children." and then change the subject. I've been asked "why?" and I'd love to answer NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, but have learned to just change the subject. I have 13 nieces & nephews between my and my husband's siblings and have close relationship with most of them. So we might have to have multiple best aunt/uncle awards!

We had always expected to have children and were unable too. My mother was relentless with her advice on getting pregnant, and my husband's family and my siblings were totally accepting.

We built a different life than we expected, but are enjoying it all the same..... We travel extensively, go to the theater, concerts, museums, etc. Have a greenhouse with orchids ; and We both retired at 55.

Ron, I admire large families! I'm one of 4 and I thought it was a perfect size. As adults, we all actually like each other too

[fotofashion]

I'm surprised no one has brought up the old cliche: You can please all of the people some of the time and please some of the people all of the time but you cannot please all of the people all of the time.
DH and I will have been married 55 years in September. We decided before we married that we would not have children. Our parents were OK with that but boy, our "friends." Like others here, we were called every name in the book. I am just nasty enough to have answered them "you just want us to suffer like you are suffering raising kids". Horrible, but that did shut them up. Doing the math you can see we married in 1958. In the 50's you just did not get married and declare you were not having children. We have absolutely NO regrets. Bringing up children in this violent world is something we did not wish to risk.
Those who think their kids will care for them in their old age have suffered much disillusion. Many have wound up caring for the grandkids when the parents of such have resulted incapable of rearing them. Sad, sad, sad. Just when the couple is getting ready to retire and enjoy the empty nest, along come the grandkids to raise.
To those of you who had kids, congratulations on a job well done.
Beverly A.

[gardengirl13]

Originally Posted by Pilot

My wife and I decided to have only one child. Partly bc another pregnancy would endanger my wide but also because we felt our family was complete with my daughter. I get told all the effing time, oh you should have another so she has someone else. What a stupid reason.

Our neighbors tried for YEARS to get pregnant. Then stopped trying and got pregnant. Her health is similar to mine and was almost on bedrest from her second trimester! At 8 weeks old she was told to not pick up her child! She couldn't change diapers easily, she could calm her crying baby. Now that the little girl is older (she'll be three this year) it's getting easier since she can do so much for herself and is basically forced to since her mom can't physically do it for her. Let me tell you she is pressured everyday she has feelings of guilt and everything else that goes along with what is happening. They've both even told me that they love their daughter to death but when it was hard they wish they didn't have her due to what it's doing to her. It's horrible. Then what do they get. EVERY single person asking them when they're going to have #2! Really?! It's unbelievable! They're happy with just one, their kid is one of the most awesome kids I've EVER met, she's smart, funny, just great! We went over to visit to see how they were doing and to tell them about my job disappearing and I was quite upset by it and what did this little girl do? she laughed at me. Laughed VERY loud in the most fake laugh possible! It was so funny I could only laugh with her! She's two she doesn't know what she's doing? But she saw I was upset and this is how she got me to cope in her own little goofy way! They are the perfect family! Why add more when it's not what they want or could ever handle? We always said that if we changed our minds when we were younger we would have had one kid.

---------- Post added at 09:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:08 AM ----------

Originally Posted by fotofashion

I'm surprised no one has brought up the old cliche: You can please all of the people some of the time and please some of the people all of the time but you cannot please all of the people all of the time.
DH and I will have been married 55 years in September. We decided before we married that we would not have children. Our parents were OK with that but boy, our "friends." Like others here, we were called every name in the book. I am just nasty enough to have answered them "you just want us to suffer like you are suffering raising kids". Horrible, but that did shut them up. Doing the math you can see we married in 1958. In the 50's you just did not get married and declare you were not having children. We have absolutely NO regrets. Bringing up children in this violent world is something we did not wish to risk.
Those who think their kids will care for them in their old age have suffered much disillusion. Many have wound up caring for the grandkids when the parents of such have resulted incapable of rearing them. Sad, sad, sad. Just when the couple is getting ready to retire and enjoy the empty nest, along come the grandkids to raise.
To those of you who had kids, congratulations on a job well done.
Beverly A.

Wow that is great! It must have been much harder then then it is now! Not many people did that! And those that did helped plow the way for us! I have an uncle on my side and one on my husband's side who don't have kids. It was hard for them I assume, I'll have to ask them about it sometime. But it's also easier since they are men. It seems acceptable for men to not marry, they're playboy bachelors, women are spinsters. For them to not have kids, again they don't need to, but for women we must be barren or horrible people.


One thing that frustrates me a bit is something I talked about earlier. The lack of role models or anything in mainstream culture that puts us CF in good light. Every ad, every TV show, movie etc is all about having kids. CF people are portrayed as evil, selfish, greedy, sad etc... In TV the CF woman is a b____, married to her career, will change her mind etc... Ads are used to sell things, but why are you using kids to sell adult stuff? They use them to guilt trip parents into thinking that without this car your kid will not be safe. Without this peanut butter you're not a good mom. But for people like me, and a lot of you it seems!, we're an ignored population. More and more people are choosing not to have kids. People are putting pressures on companies to go back to CF things. Like wineries. Why does a winery need to be ok for kids to go to? And Vegas! The first time I went it was so fun, the second I saw kids scooping their parents money out of the slot machines!!!!! Wow! Vacations, they have couples only, but are now allowing kids. These places are for honeymooners and people to relax, not get splashed in the face by kids. I know SO MANY parents who frequent these places to get away from the kids for a weekend. And this is NOT a bad thing! Parents should be able to get away for a week and not be made to feel guilty for it! Why, they need a vacation, the kids can have a ball at their grandparents or an aunt or uncles.

I don't understand this mentality? Why are you a bad parent for wanting a little alone time? My sister used to take what we called mommy breaks. She'd leave the kids with her husband and come stay with us for a night. Just to relax and have fun watching adult movies (ok not THAT kind of adult movies!!)

For years it was hard to see any R rated movies. Why, because you couldn't take the kids. Why can't you hire a sitter and go see a movie? Now they're coming out more and more and yes hollywood they are VERY popular!

Society has done a "great" job scaring parents into thinking if they're not with their kids all the time they're bad parents. Personally I think it's healthy. It's good for kids to get different kinds of things growing up. I liked that my parents had a life of their own. They only went out maybe a weekend night a month or two. They went to friends houses and had dinners. They had dinners at our house where we were feed early and sent to bed. But yes they did spend a lot of time with us too. We did two vacations a year, we played board games ALL the time. We ate at the table EVERY single night.

But we need balance. We need to be able to show people that we're all different. Parents should be able to raise their kids they're way (you know unless they're abusing them- that's not what I'm meaning here!) CF people should not be made to feel inferior. Yes having a large family is criticized. But you still have kids. It's slightly different.

I'm sorry I'm rambling here. It's been a while since I've been able to do this. I used to be on a forum for CF people that was quite nice, but they shut down a few years ago. Now aside from some friends, who we don't see all that often, I feel alone in this. It's hard. Most days I'm fine other days I feel frustrated in how society treats us. They don't seem to understand that not everyone wants kids. Or even should have kids. Those who may be on the fence about it but get pressured into it by parents or siblings or even all the ads on TV and which celebrity is having a baby now. These people may not want to do it, but do it anyway because that's what being grown up is. Then they regret it and unknowingly take it out on the kids. We need people to know it's ok to not have kids. It's a choice. If you don't want to be a parent with all your heart then wait. See what happens then decide. It's not your life you'll be ruining it's an innocent child's.

[RosieC]

My husband and I have decided not to have children for various reasons. I haven't found people openly judgmental, but I do feel like society as a whole expects couples to have children, and so if a relative stranger asks if I have children I find it difficult not to start justifying my answer of no.

I was worried about my parents and parents-in-law's reactions as I sort of think that parents are the types who want grandchildren. I'm didn't think my parents would be judgmental but thought I would disappoint them. We only told them about our decision after both my sister and my brother-in-law had children, so that our parents were already grandparents. I was surprised to find my Mum had guessed and guessed the biggest reasons and was just sorry I had been worried about telling her.

You are right that TV/Film portrays childless people as either having some character defect, or as changing their minds and "living happily ever after". Neither are images that help people like us who are just normal people who don't want children for whatever reason.

Oh, and I love children, my sisters son is THE cutest toddler ever... but then I'm biased as his aunt. I'm just happy to let other people be the parents.

[gardengirl13]

Originally Posted by RosieC

My husband and I have decided not to have children for various reasons. I haven't found people openly judgmental, but I do feel like society as a whole expects couples to have children, and so if a relative stranger asks if I have children I find it difficult not to start justifying my answer of no.

I was worried about my parents and parents-in-law's reactions as I sort of think that parents are the types who want grandchildren. I'm didn't think my parents would be judgmental but thought I would disappoint them. We only told them about our decision after both my sister and my brother-in-law had children, so that our parents were already grandparents. I was surprised to find my Mum had guessed and guessed the biggest reasons and was just sorry I had been worried about telling her.

You are right that TV/Film portrays childless people as either having some character defect, or as changing their minds and "living happily ever after". Neither are images that help people like us who are just normal people who don't want children for whatever reason.

Oh, and I love children, my sisters son is THE cutest toddler ever... but then I'm biased as his aunt. I'm just happy to let other people be the parents.

I too was worried about telling my parents. They took it better then I thought. For a while every time I'd call my mother would ask if I was pregnant. It bothered me SO much I had to tell her to stop. She did. Then we told them and they were happy for us. We did think we'd have kids at a couple points early on, but just kept saying not now. My husband didn't want kids when he was younger, but said he would have one maybe if we did decide together one day. I thought I'd have them. Then as life went on I realized that it really is a choice! It's not just a choice on when do we have kids, but it's a choice to NOT have them as well. When making it there was maybe one or two books and not much info anywhere. That's what made me feel like a freak or something. Then I found a site and grew to understand that I'm normal. Now his parents! Wow they were so excited to hear! I couldn't believe it! They don't have grandkids at all! They have my niece and nephew as grandkids though, they buy them presents and she used to see them at school and stuff. They even call her Marmee which is what I call her, from Little Women. That's her grandma name for them!

[NYCorchidman]

People want to feel fit in and that's natural. Now I'm not saying all people who are having children do so because of that reason.

I believe no one should be pressured to have children. It is completely up to the couple to decide whether or not they will have children.

No offence to some, but the truth is that many adults are not ready, prepared or not capable of taking such great responsibility of raising children.

Again, I do not imply by saying the above that those who choose not to have children do so because they are not ready, prepared or not capable of having and raising children.

People are all different and have different situations and reasons.


Enjoy life the best you can with or without children. Who cares? After all, we are the the ones who shape our lives not others.

[greengarden]

I think you make a very good point and unfortunately I think a few too many ill-prepared and disinterested people bring children into this world without any forethought as to the reality of actually raising them to be functional members of society.

We had our first when I was 21 and my husband was 23, the amount of judgement we received was unbelievable. Add to that the fact that I look a lot younger than I am and most people judged me as an 'irresponsible teen mum' despite the fact that peior to that i had worked as a full time live in nanny and we were fostering troubled teenage boys. What all those judgmental ones failed to see was the fact that despite my young age i had lived and worked interstate, been to uni, raised other peoples children and racked up more life experience than many 30 year olds I know have. I'm now 30 and have three children. I still look young for my age, many people peg me as early to mid twenties so you can imagine the comments when I say i have three children and my oldest is nearly 9 LOL.

While raising my children I completed 2 university qualifications, an industry cadetship, lived in 2 states in 4 towns, worked part time while studying and all of this primarily on my own as my husband was posted either overseas or interstate with the defence force. What it has taught me is that everyone likes to have an opinion on what you are doing, whether you are a parent or not, whether you work or not, the age gap between your kids and when you had them and the food you put in their lunchboxes are all cause for judgment. More importantly it has taught me to have a thick skin and be confident that I am living my life somewhat the way I planned, with a few deviations and side trips along the way for interest.

Sure i don't own a house yet, which maybe I would if I hadn't had kids young but I do own land, I'm qualified and now looking for a career job and by the time I am in my 40s my kids will be becoming adults themselves, I'll be well and truly in my own home(hopefully within twelve months actually) and I'll be free to build my career the way i want to build it without being tied down to my family too much. Personally I think it's working out pretty well so stuff anyone who wants to judge!!

[gardengirl13]

greengarden, if I had kids I would have had them young. My mom was 21 when she had and my dad was 26. I LOVED havning younger parents! I have friends whose parents are my grandparents age and they say it's a very strained weird relationship. They say some things are good with older parents, but some things are worse. Which can be said for younger parents too.

When I was 21 I was a nanny too. I loved my job! People thought I was MUCH younger then I was. Weird part? I had people ask me if the kids were mine! One was 7! I barely was able to have kids by 14 if you know what I mean?! And they thought I was younger then I was? It was very strange!

I love how this is coming about. It goes to show it's all about tolerance. And how not many people out there have it.

I have like a list of reasons why I chose not to have a kid. And one of those is I can't stand how judgmental parents are against each other! Stay at home mom vs working mom. Cloth vs disposable. Bottle vs breast. Home school vs public vs private. The lists go on and on! It's crazy that parents do this to each other! I saw that and wanted no part of it. Yes being CF and being seen as selfish or whatever is hard. Some times it's VERY hard. But I can't image having your every move scrutinized by others and being told you're wrong. That would drive me more nuts then being stereotyped as an evil CF person. Because this way I don't doubt myself, I think being told what you're doing when another life is in the mix would mess with your head!

[NYCorchidman]

People need to wake up and realize just because one gets old, the matuarity comes along naturally.

There are way too many adults that need a lot of growing up to do, unfortunately, many never really do! lol

Also, just because someone is relatively young, doesn't mean that person is less mature.

Funny how stupid the world is sometimes.

[PlantTeeth]

I'm one of those young stupid people that had a kid before they were ready. Technically she was a "mistake" but that sounds really harsh. I never really had a "life" before her, so having her hasn't brought me down too much. And I am also one of those who's grandparents watch her for free (her great-grandparents). I am really lucky to have them there.

She'll be going to school soon, but I am just afraid of daycares, etc because of all the bad stories you hear...just paranoid. She's my baby. Yeah, I shouldn't have had her, but she's here now & she's mine to care for. I will murder anyone who hurts her. Okay....a little harsh...but you get what I mean. She is great. And she helps me care for my plants & animals. I am making her a nature girl. And its good that her dad is a nature head too. LOL

She also helps me stay out of my depression cloud. She's healthier than a horse. She's smart as a whip too. Although she hates anything to do with letters....lol. I can't get her to do any activities that involve tracing, writing, or learning letters.

Yeah, without her I would have had a better job, a degree, a house, a dog, and stuff....but stuff happens, and once it happens you just have to accept it and keep living.


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