Anyone here childfree?

[Ray]

No kids around here either. Oh, we have a son who's 30, and a 25-year old daughter, but they are both off on their own. Having an "empty nest" helps out a lot in the boudoir arena.

[ronaldhanko]

I wasn't going to post in this thread, but finally couldn't resist. Had to say something about being judgmental.

It impresses me that most people are not judgmental about no children. Curious and inclined to be prying and stupid, but not judgmental. We have a son and daughter-in-law who are childless, though not by choice, and they have endured a lot of nosiness and stupidity. People are, however, seldom judgmental even when our kids do not explain why they have no children, which they usually do not.

But if you want to find out how judgmental people can be, though, then try having or being part of a large family. My wife and I both come from large families and decided before we were married (37 years ago) that we wanted a large family. We have eight children including a handicapped son, and have never regretted our decision. Would have had more if we hadn't run out of steam.

It was not always easy financially and we knew it would not be, but we always paid our own bills, dependent on one income, and made it. In spite of that we could not go out as a family without being subjected to incredible rudeness and endless judgmental comments. Some of it was more than judgmental, it was nasty and spiteful and meant to be so.

One of our responses to comments was, "no we are not trying to overpopulate the earth, just trying to outnumber the idiots." Another nicer response that usually shut them up, was, "yes, we know what causes it, and we are really enjoying it immensely." Mostly, though, we ignored it.

Only the youngest is home now, but we would give anything to have them all home again, in fact, those years are the only years of my life I'd do over, though it meant a lot of sacrifices for the whole family. I remember one Christmas where the whole family chose to go without gifts so that the youngest could have a new doll.

Through it all and in spite of the judgmental attitudes and comments they learned to care for others, to be self-sufficient and to enjoy life. We now have a doctor, a physiotherapist, a medical technician, a nurse, a teacher, a builder and a budding industrial designer in the family.

Nor did either the large family or the judgmental attitudes put them off. We have two children who also have large families (5 and 6 children). They, too, are living on one income, paying their own bills, and enjoying life the way they have chosen to live it. They, however, are enduring the same rudeness and judgmental attitudes we did, in fact, I think it is worse now than it was then.

In all that the point is that in my experience people are more judgmental toward people who chose to have a good number of children than about those who have none.

[isurus79]

@Ron- Interesting. I guess I never thought about people with large families being negatively judged just as much as those with no family (ie. no children). I guess the jerks in this world will criticize everyone who isn't like themselves!

[Vanda lover]

Orchids, puppies, kittens and birds make very nice children.

[gardengirl13]

Originally Posted by isurus79

@Ron- Interesting. I guess I never thought about people with large families being negatively judged just as much as those with no family (ie. no children). I guess the jerks in this world will criticize everyone who isn't like themselves!

Bingo we have a winner! People seem to want to judge everyone who doesn't fit into their little mold. I never understand this!!??

And yes there are selfish reasons for both having and not having kids. My favorite for having is to have someone take care of you when you're old. I have been in enough homes for the elderly to know the saddest are those whose kids never visit. Even when they live close by they just never have the time to stop in to say hello even! It's horrible! It's also bad to expect your children to take care of you. Yes they, by rights, should visit and call and etc..... But to have them just for this purpose puts a whole lot of unfair strain on them. I've been asked this question a lot. "who will take care of you when you're old?" Even if I had a kid I would NEVER presume that to be their responsibility.

[bballr4567]

Originally Posted by gardengirl13

Bingo we have a winner! People seem to want to judge everyone who doesn't fit into their little mold. I never understand this!!??

And yes there are selfish reasons for both having and not having kids. My favorite for having is to have someone take care of you when you're old. I have been in enough homes for the elderly to know the saddest are those whose kids never visit. Even when they live close by they just never have the time to stop in to say hello even! It's horrible! It's also bad to expect your children to take care of you. Yes they, by rights, should visit and call and etc..... But to have them just for this purpose puts a whole lot of unfair strain on them. I've been asked this question a lot. "who will take care of you when you're old?" Even if I had a kid I would NEVER presume that to be their responsibility.

My mother has quite a lot of mental issues and I flat out told her a few years ago that I was not going to be the one to take care of her when she gets old. She seemed hurt for a few weeks but she completely understood that her mental issues were her own work and that she would have to live with it. It was very hard to tell her that but Im very grateful that she understands that we have our own lives to worry about.

[Leafmite]

Love your responses Ron. Too bad people can't just reach out to each other in love and give compliments instead of criticism. The world would be a much better place.

[greengarden]

The criticism never ends really, if you have kids in your 20s you're too young, if you wait til your late 30s or 40s you're too old. If you have one it's not enough, it's only OK to have more than two if your first two were the same sex. If you let your kids play on the front lawn you're irresponsible but if they play in the backyard you are keeping them from making friends. Honestly it's ridiculous!

[twentyseven]

Garden Girl, I am in a very similar boat as yourself.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 years (it's actually our anniversary today, yay!), and from the beginning of the relationship we've been in agreement that we did not want children. I've never wanted kids, my whole family (and his mainly) understand and we have never gotten pressured. We have however, received plenty of pressure and snide remarks from acquaintances and complete strangers. If I had a penny for every time somebody said "oh just wait, you will just change your mind..." Ugh.

I've gotten so much pressure (specially in my 20s) that I remember coming home one day in tears because I was worried that some unforeseen force would make me change my mind against my will. So far the biological clock has not made a single peep. Once in a while the thought crosses my mind, am I making the right choice? Will I regret it in the long run? But I think that's a normal reality check that helps me confirm that the choice I have made is the right one for me.

I'm not willing to give up my freedom, ability to travel, and extra pocket money I have because I don't have kids. Not to mention my work often requires long hours and leaves me pretty drained at the end of the week. So if that makes me selfish that's fine, I have no problems admitting that but it should not be anybody else's business but mine and my partner's.

We always say that we are responsible enough to know we are not responsible enough to have children.

Thanks for starting this thread, it's a great discussion!

[Pilot]

My wife and I decided to have only one child. Partly bc another pregnancy would endanger my wide but also because we felt our family was complete with my daughter. I get told all the effing time, oh you should have another so she has someone else. What a stupid reason.