The joke thread

[Ross]

Let's start another joke thread. Clean jokes only please.

What did the zero say to the eight?
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Nice belt!

[Tindomul]

Lol, took me a while to get that one. I only know dirty jokes.

[Djarum Black]

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and
falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes
up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the
doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle
from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an nutcase!"

She asks the doctor,” Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

[Ross]

Cool! My grandson knew that and split a gut!

[dennis]

The Ant and the Grasshopper: 2 Scenarios
>
> *OLD VERSION*
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>
> The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
> plays the summer away.
>
> Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
>
> The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
> Be responsible for yourself!
>
> ************************************************** **********
>
> *MODERN VERSION*
>
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>
> The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
> plays the summer away.
>
> Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
> demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others
> are cold and starving.
>
> CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
> shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable
> home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp
contrast.
>
>
> How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
> grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
>
> Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody
> cries when they sing, "its Not Easy Being Green."
>
> Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."
> Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
> grasshopper's sake.
>
> Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
>
> Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
> failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having
> nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
>
> Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
> defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of
> single-parent welfare recipients.
>
>
> The ant loses the case.
>
> The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
> Be careful how you vote

[dennis]

Redneck "Book of Manners"

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


*** DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.



*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners




*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days; however, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.




*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date 's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."




*** WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.





*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
__________________

[Djarum Black]

ROFL, good ones Dennis!

[dennis]

new apple invention
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants!


The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $699. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[cb977]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
You're killin' me!

[dennis]

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"