The joke thread

[Paphluvr]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

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A DEA officer stopped @ a farm in Manitoba, & talked with
an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally-grown-drugs."

The farmer said, "Ok, but don't go in that field over there ..... ," as he pointed out the location.

DEA officer verbally-exploded saying, " Mr. I have the authority of the Federal Gov't with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the farmer.

"See this frkkin' badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish .... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear ..... do you understand?!"

Farmer nodded politely, apologized & went about his chores.

A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, & saw the DEA officer running for his life,
being chased by the farmer's humongous bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, it seemed likely he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified!

The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs .....

"Your badge, show him your frkkin' BADGE ...... !"