The joke thread

[WaterWitchin]

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is:

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

[rbarata]

Since we are in a donkey mood...

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a donkey in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that donkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."

The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the donkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.

"I thought you were going to take that donkey to the zoo!"

The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

[WaterWitchin]

THE PREACHER'S DONKEY
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say,"Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped
immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off
the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.

[Subrosa]

A German Shepherd, a doberman pinscher, and a cat all died, and found themselves in judgement before God, seated upon his heavenly throne. God looked at the German Shepherd and asked "What do you believe?", to which it replied "I believe in loving and serving my master". God smiled and said "Take your place at my right hand". Then God looked upon the doberman and asked "What do you believe?" to which it replied "I believe in loving and protecting my master". God smiled and said "Take your place at my left hand". Then God looked upon the cat and asked "What do you believe?" to which the cat replied "I believe you're sitting in my seat".

[camille1585]

Keeping with the theme:

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: Shall we cross?

His friend replies: No way, look what happened to that zebra!


and a classic joke: What do you call a donkey with a PHD? A smart ass.

[WaterWitchin]

DONKEY RAFFLE
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

[Stray59]

Ms Smith went to her doctor for her yearly exam; following the physical the doctor informed her that she had developed a heart murmur that had him somewhat concerned. Ms Smith was quite alarmed to hear this as she stated that heart problems ran in her family and she had lost several members to such.
The doctor informed Ms SMith that new research had shown that female use of the male hormone testosterone had proven effective in strengthening the heart muscles and that he would like to try this form of therapy before any other, more invasive forms of treatment.
"However", the doctor stated "There may be some minor side effects with the use of hormones, but if you can tolerate them it may do the trick". Ms Smith agreed to try this treatment and so he wrote her a 6-month prescription and told her to return when the medication was gone.
6 months later Ms Smith returned to the office and another exam was conducted. The doctor informed her that her murmur was considerable better, but he would like her to stay on the medication for another 6 months if she could tolerate it. He asked if Ms Smith had experienced any negative side effects; Ms Smith stated "Well, nothing really negative, but it seems I can lift more weight and I don't tire out as quickly." The doctor stated that this was to be expected with male hormone use, so as she was tolerating the drug well he wrote out another 6 month prescription.
6 months later Ms Smith again returned and another test was completed. The doctor came into the room with a smile on his face and stated "Ms Smith, I am glad to report that there was no sign of heart murmur at all - your heart sounds very strong" - Ms Smith was excited to hear this and stated that she was grateful for his expertise.
The doctor asked if any other side effects had been noted and Ms Smith replied "Well, I am growing body hair in the most odd places." The doctor stated this was again to be expected as testosterone did promote body hair. He started to leave the room, thought again and said "But, you said it was in the 'most odd places' - What kind of places are you finding hair?"
"Mostly on my testicles." she replied.

[WaterWitchin]

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris" said grandma, "you've been going to the park for over thirty years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered "I wasn't lost, Bessie. I was just too tired to walk home."

[Dollythehun]

Oh, how I can relate to that! I wonder why I never thought of that WW?

[Subrosa]

Three high school friends are in the men's room at their 10th reunion, lined up at the urinals. The first one finished his business, walked over to the sink and turned it on full blast. He puts a big glob of soap in his hand and thoroughly scrubs his hands under the running water. Then he grabbed a handful of paper towels and thoroughly dried his hands. He said to his friends "at MIT we learned the importance of cleanliness in high tech applications!". The second guy finished up, walked over to the sink and turned the water on a trickle, quickly rubbed his hands under it, turned it off and shook his hands dry. "At UC Berkeley, we learned the importance of conserving resources!". The third guy finished up, walked past the sink, opened the door and held it for his friends saying "At Penn State we learned to not pee on our hands".