The joke thread

[estación seca]

Two dogs and and a cat passed away.

They came before God, who asked what were their beliefs.

The German Shepard said, "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master".

"Good" said God, "you can sit at my right side."

The Toy Poodle said, "I believe in love, cuddling and devotion to my master."

"Ahaha", said God, "You can sit at my left side."

God turned to the cat and said, "What do you believe?"

The cat answered, "I believe you are sitting in my chair."

[Dollythehun]

Priceless and true.

[WaterWitchin]

[Thyroyalgeek]

yup, seems about right. my dog is even worse in that department, she tries to push me off of MY bed so that i'll go sleep on the couch .

[WaterWitchin]

What happens when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

---------- Post added at 09:21 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 AM ----------

A woman walks into the psychoanalyst’s office and says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a dog! I don’t know what to do! Please help.”

The doctor replies, “Okay, have him get on the couch.”

The woman quickly snapped back, “Wait, no, he’s not allowed on the couch!”

[Leafmite]

Originally Posted by estación seca

Two dogs and and a cat passed away.

They came before God, who asked what were their beliefs.

The German Shepard said, "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master".

"Good" said God, "you can sit at my right side."

The Toy Poodle said, "I believe in love, cuddling and devotion to my master."

"Ahaha", said God, "You can sit at my left side."

God turned to the cat and said, "What do you believe?"

The cat answered, "I believe you are sitting in my chair."

That is cute!

[estación seca]

The CEOs of Anheuser-Busch, Cervecería Modelo, Interbrew, MillerCoors and Guinness met at an industry conference.

The CEO of Anheuser-Busch ordered a Bud Light. The CEO of Cervecería Modelo ordered a Corona Light. The CEO of Interbrew ordered a Stella Artois. The CEO of MillerCoors ordered a Miller Lite. The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coca-Cola.

The other CEOs turned to the Guinness CEO and asked, ""Why aren't you ordering a Guinness?"

He replied, "If none of you is ordering a beer, I figured I wouldn't, either."

[rbarata]

[WaterWitchin]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

[WaterWitchin]

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an older gentleman walked by.

One of the ladies yelled out, “Hey, I bet we can guess how old you are!”

The old fellow said, “There is no way you can guess my age! I look great for my age.”

One of the women said, “Yes we can!”

“No, you can’t!”

“Can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we'll tell your exact age.”

The gentleman was embarrassed, but wanted to prove they couldn't do it. So... he dropped his drawers and let it all hang out.

The ladies asked him to turn around a few times while they looked from different angles, then had him jump up and down twice.

They then whispered back and forth for a minute, and finally one said. “You're 87-years-old.”

The fellow was stunned. Standing with his pants down around his ankles, he asked, “You’re right. WOW! How in the world could you tell?”

There was a pause, then one woman answered “Last week we were all at your birthday party.”