The joke thread

[estación seca]

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "But it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. We'll have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open. He finds himself in the middle of a marvelous, impeccably manicured golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends, and an enormous crowd of other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf, and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the Devil, a very friendly guy, who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that, all too soon and before the Senator realizes, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell, and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," he says.

The Senator joins a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a pleasant time chatting amongst themselves. Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Again, the doors of the elevator open. Oven-hot wind blasts in his face. Through the blindingly hot sun he sees that he's in the middle of a barren land, covered in waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls from above.

The Devil comes over to him, puts his arm around his shoulders, and says, "Welcome to Hell!"

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a hot wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The Devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[rbarata]

Good one! A taste of his own venom.

---------- Post added at 01:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:26 PM ----------

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

[Bulbopedilum]

Originally Posted by rbarata

[/COLOR]If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

I love this one!!

[Bulbopedilum]

I translated this from Indonesian, I hope you guys enjoy. And btw, if you're easily grossed out, don't read!
______
A man was walking on the sidewalk when he saw something.
"Hmm is this dog poop?" He asked to himself. "Let me take a closer look."
The man then leaned down to examine it.
"I'm not sure..." He said, "Let's smell it."
He smelled the thing.
"Well smells like poop, let me taste it to make sure..."
The man then licked a bit of the thing. After thinking for a while, the man concluded,
"Yup, this is dog poop." He said, "Good thing I didn't step on it!"

[estación seca]

=:-O

[estación seca]

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different", "She is different", or "It was different!"

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end!

OR

You can move to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the child care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

OR

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[Ray]

That's a lot of typing, and a remarkably good degree of accuracy!

When we moved here (Oak Island, NC, maybe the edge of the "Deep South"), I found something I've never seen before. - a bait & tackle store at the airport!

[Bulbopedilum]

OR
You can go to Yogyakarta where...
1. The sun sets at 5.30 PM
2. You sleep at 9.00 PM
3. You are in a kingdom, not a city
4. You have chickens in your yard
5. Food is super cheap
6. HONK HONK!
7. Jackfruit is cooked
8. There is a volcano
9. You'll never need a greenhouse for your orchids (except the Cold Growers, for that, go to the mountain tops)
10. The seasons are: Dry, Rainy, and "What's going on!?"

[Leafmite]

Quite funny!

[estación seca]

Originally Posted by Ray

That's a lot of typing, and a remarkably good degree of accuracy!

When we moved here (Oak Island, NC, maybe the edge of the "Deep South"), I found something I've never seen before. - a bait & tackle store at the airport!

Cut and paste, then correct the typos. You think I make these all up?