The joke thread

[Ray]

A misogynist, a racist, a psychopath and an egotist go into a bar.

The bartender says "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

[AnonYMouse]

Not a joke but seemed appropriate somehow.

[estación seca]

March 14 1975 Monty Python and the Holy Grail had its US premier in Los Angeles.

[estación seca]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, $150 a visit, 3 times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" said the psychiatrist, with a bit of an attitude. "How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

It's always better to get a second opinion.

[Bulbopedilum]

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and pink and throw apple juice at her knees.
------------------------------------
Child:"Daddy why did my friends pull my pants down?"
Dad:"That's mean."
Child:"But why?"
Dad:"They probably wanted to see your underwear."
Child:"That's good I wasn't wearing underwear."

[estación seca]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia when he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, the owner appears, and tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I joined the CIA."

"In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...."

"But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"TEN DOLLARS!?! Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

[estación seca]

Ed and his wife Norma went to the state fair every year. Every year Ed would say, "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Norma always replied, "I know, Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks. And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, "Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride, and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell something, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ed replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out. But you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

[rbarata]

fifty bucks is fifty bucks

[rbarata]

I think it's time for another joke...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

[Subrosa]

An obvious city slicker shows up at a rural sporting goods store announcing that he's taking up duck hunting and wants to buy everything he needs. The owner sets him up with the best of everything, a gun, duck calls, hunting clothes, the works. The whole time he's asking stupid questions that the owner struggles to answer with a straight face because he doesn't want to offend the man and lose the big sale. As the customer is packing up his purchases he realizes he doesn't have a hunting dog. He asks for one but the owner informs him that they don't sell dogs. "Lucky for you, my brother in law is the best breeder of hunting dogs around. He lives just a fair piece further along this road, first farm on the right. Just be careful because he'll take advantage of you if you don't know what you're looking for." Unbeknownst to the customer the store owner and his brother in law don't like each other much and the store owner sees a chance to kill two birds with one stone when the customer asks "well what should I look for?" The owner explains that the most important thing in a duck hunting dog is that the dog has a tight sphincter. "If a dog with a loose sphincter jumps into the water to retrieve a duck, water rushes in, weighing the dog down so it drowns." The customer thanks him and heads down the road to the dog breeder. He knocks on the door, introduces himself and explains what he wants. "I have a couple really good dogs ready to hunt" he replies, and shows the customer out to the kennel. He stands there dumbfounded as the man walks up to a dog, lifts its tail up and stares intently at the sphincter, shakes his head and moves on to the next dog. After seeing this two more times he finally asks "what are you looking at?" The customer explains the conversation he had with the store owner and a knowing look comes over the breeder's face. He reaches down and grabs the nearest dog's scrotum and gives a hard squeeze and a quarter twist. The dog's sphincter puckers up tightly right before the customer's eyes as the breeder explains " there's your problem. These dogs are adjusted for quail!"