The joke thread

[camille1585]

I thought that it was time to revive this thread, it's always been a load of laughs.

This is a joke a colleague shared with us at lunch last week.

A carpenter is looking for a new employee. A man comes in saying you doesn't have much experience but he sure can learn. The carpenter says "alright, but first I gotta see what you can do."

So the carpenter gives him some wood, a hammer and box if nails and tells the guy "I want you to hammer some nails in this board. But first there's something you need to know". He picks up a nail and holds it up in front of him. " Now look at this nail. The pointy side is facing down, and the flat part is on top. That's how you hammer it into the board I gave you." The man says that it's easy, he can do it.

The carpenter comes back a little bit later and sees that a lot of nails were thrown out in the trash heap. So he asks the man "why'd you throw those out for?"

The man replies "Oh, those nails? Well, when I held them up the pointy side was facing up instead of down so I couldn't use them."

The carpenter looks at the man incredulously. "You idiot! You shouldn't have thrown them away, those nails are for the ceiling!!"

[Des]

Hi Camille, yes I agree, it seems as if the World, with all its problems, has lost its sense of humour. Here is my effort to get the ball rolling.

During the Boer War in the early 1900s, the South African Boers (Afrikaners, most farmers) were fighting against the British army. The Boers were situated on top of a hill, while the Brits were at the bottom of the hill, beating their drums and getting into battle formation.
A Boer's son, at the top of the hill, said to his father : Pa, how many do you think they are. The father took a look over the hill and said there are about 20,000 son.
After a short silence the boy asked again : Pa, how many are we and his father replied : about 150 son.
After another protracted silence the son said : Pa, we are going to get home late tonight again, hey?

[thakshila smith]

Thanks very much .More are welcome!

[panda2011]

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

[GreggC]

An elderly couple go to church services. They are sitting there, and she proceeds to scribble on a piece of paper and hand it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replied, "Get another battery for your hearing aid."

[GreggC]

It is adequately called "The Poitician." You can't fire it and it won't work.

[camille1585]

Originally Posted by ando1

In factory there was a warning board saying "Please don't wear short skirts because men at work".

LOL, that's a good one!

[camille1585]

This one has been going around on Facebook, thought I'd share it here!


Bob forgot his anniversary Wednesday. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday!

[flhiker]

"These aren't jokes but are quite funny."

What's really amazing is how true his words still ring true, even
though he died in 1935!

Never squat with your spurs on




Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back
into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.The few
who learn by observation.The rest of them have to pee on the electric
fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want
people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the
top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has
been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you're old.

[camille1585]

A mother accepts an invite from her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama