The joke thread

[GreggC]

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to spook the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife--she hasn't spoken to me in over two months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then, thoughtfully says, "You better think it over--women like that are hard to find."

[Nico]

I hope you like it.

[dreamwaves]

Wrong Number Man calls home.
Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

[thakshila smith]

Originally Posted by cb977

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.



Surprised, Guido

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

"No, I Swedish."

Guido thing I understood the the real meaning after reading thrice.
Poor man he too understood it after asking three times.
First he could asked " You Swedish?".........
Isn't it?

[thakshila smith]

You all know that in these eastern countries male govern the family. While men reading newspapers women are doing every thing .cooking , washing , fetch water from deep wells.(still no pipe born water ) and chop fire wood, collect fire wood from jungles etc.
These poor women do not allow to do house work to their husbands believing it is a sin. But some women fight for liberation and equal status.
These women called a meeting to discuss the measures about how to gain equal rights. Okay So many gathered at the meeting and
poor women were eagle to vote. They had invited a man too guide . ( No chairs were there)
While the meeting is going on and arguments coming up this man's sarong fell down . You know what happened , All the smart female gathering ran away leaving the only man alone there.

[Hedge]

Someone just forwarded this lot to me , not sure i agree with all of it as I'm not particularly anti men and I think arguing and not solving problems with the opposite sex is dumb, but then I like physics too - stereotypes annoy me.

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!



WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'









UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,and still be afraid of a spider.





WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position...

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'







WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'









CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't knowhow you can beso stupid and sobeautiful all atthe same time.

The wiferesponded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautifulso you would beattracted to me;

God made mestupid so I would beattracted to you.'








WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, 'HEBREWS'








The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at homeand were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake himat 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.








and finally, God may have created man before woman, but there is always arough draft before the masterpiece



Like i say, funny but a bit hard on the majority

[Des]

Very good Hedge ,I'll have to come up with a suitable response . Are you perhaps blonde ?

[Hedge]

Nope, Brunette with the very occasional silver!!

[Hedge]

Sorry about the typography of above - it was a cut and paste job so the original must have had auto returns or something...

[Bird Song Farm]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket, he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an as****ole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for as****ole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”



How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?