The joke thread

[kavanaru]

plus the last pic..

[b amateur]

Someone has way too much down-time at work!Brad

[IdahoOrchid]

Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on your face!!!!

This is truly first grade logic, I love it!

Undies

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep

asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.

Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

[GreggC]

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the Mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning that I have ever seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will become more commonplace as the weather warms. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I have become the victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think that it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking twenty something girls come over to your truck as you are packing your shopping into the truck bed. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts about falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask for a ride to Mc Donald's. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them crawls over the seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen on February 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 24th and 26th. Also, March 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, three times this past Monday and very likely again this coming weekend..............

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. WalMart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at KMart and bought them out....Also, you will never get to eat at Mc Donald's. I've already lost eleven pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot and Costco.........

[Nico]

Originally Posted by GreggC

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. WalMart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at KMart and bought them out....Also, you will never get to eat at Mc Donald's. I've already lost eleven pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot and Costco.........

[Hedge]

And I thought you took your health seriously......

[flhiker]

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[Hedge]

love these, especially the last one!

[Roy]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem To get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, She came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most Beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front Of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat, and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if It would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by, and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"



No", she replied "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Nic100]

Brilliant!