The joke thread

[IdahoOrchid]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

[cb977]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”





“Couple of minutes ago.”

[Hedge]

I was sent these on an e-mail and they made me smile, although I'm not technically sure that they are jokes. But then I am an engineer - so maybe I don't get it

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." -----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. -----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George, what's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Four

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."


The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." -----------------------

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets. -----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Six
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough featuresyet. -----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Seven
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." -----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Eight
One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.


Ps I don't know why the font sizes vary and i couldn#t edit so they didn't

[OrchidSue]

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MORE WACKY WARNINGS
On a bottle of dog shampoo:
Contents should not be fed to fish.

On a blanket:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

On a 12-inch CD rack:
Do not use as a ladder.

On a carpenter's drill:
Not intended for use as a dental drill.

On a cocktail napkin with a mini map of Hilton Head, South Carolina:
Not to be used for navigation.

[IdahoOrchid]

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS -

I am a technician and I thought they were quite funny too.

Ps I don't know why the font sizes vary and i couldn#t edit so they didn't

You obviously need a technician......

[kavanaru]

Originally Posted by cb977

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”





“Couple of minutes ago.”

LOL Excellent!

[cb977]

Originally Posted by kavanaru

LOL Excellent!

I liked it too!

[Angurek]

Here's a cheesy one from a chemistry class long ago:

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly, one starts to panic, and the other looks at him in a puzzled way.

H1: "What are you so worried about?"

H2: "Bob, I think I lost something."

H1: "Are you sure?"

H2: "Yeah, I'm positive."

[Hedge]

Originally Posted by IdahoOrchid

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS -

I am a technician and I thought they were quite funny too.

Ps I don't know why the font sizes vary and i couldn#t edit so they didn't

You obviously need a technician......

Yes, I probably do!! As long as you're not a dental technician............

[cb977]

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice figures.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.