The joke thread

[GreggC]

I WISH ALL MY FELLOW ORCHIDEERS A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

[Psyguy10]

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state:
Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.


Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from
her bag and throwing them out of the window.


"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.


"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at
them!"


A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag
and tossing them from the window.


"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.


"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at
them!"


Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and PUSHED the New Yorker
out.

[Psyguy10]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[Psyguy10]

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."

"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.

"How do you think I called you people?"

[Hedge]

Oh Matt, I guess the cracker jokes were really good this year!!

[cb977]

Originally Posted by Psyguy10

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state:
Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.


Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from
her bag and throwing them out of the window.


"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.


"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at
them!"


A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag
and tossing them from the window.


"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.


"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at
them!"


Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and PUSHED the New Yorker
out.

Darn snowbirds!

[IdahoOrchid]

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives anextremely ordered and complex life.



The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as wellas maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspringthroughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the familyand social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using theirvestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead birdto be rolled into and buried.





The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



















"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."



"Then they kick him in the ice hole." !!!




You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

[thakshila smith]

invite for more jokes.

[cb977]

Nothing going right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
" I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me".
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then a wise ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

[CodiMN]

Ha ha ha!