The joke thread

[Nic100]

Brilliant!

[Psyguy10]

Exercise Techniques
Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing your pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing your weight around

07) Dragging your heels

08) Pushing your luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting your own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out all the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting your foot in your mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and

26) Exercise caution.

[Hedge]

Originally Posted by Nico

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru!

My son has a German girlfriend and despite that he still gets by in German by speking lik dis

[flhiker]

Oh! Tiger

[IdahoOrchid]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday, Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sent this to my friend and he sent me the following reply:

My brother was once in a huge BYU biology class. The teacher announced a pop quiz. The class groaned in dismay. "Don't worry" he said, "it's just a little quizzy" He left the room for a minute. Apparently the quiz was pretty tough. From the back of the room a girl said loudly: Sheesh, if this is on of his little quizzies I'd like to see his testies!". The whole place exploded with laughter.

[kavanaru]

LOL it reminds me of my time at teh university in Heidelberg. I was a PhD student at the time and went to a lecture about toxicology... during his presentation, the Prof talked about his newly published article, and said he would give a copy of it to each student. However, in order to avoid the chaos during the lecture he announced that each student could pick his own copy from the desk (next to teh exit door) at the end of the lecture: "Beim Ausgehen, Sie können sich selber einen runter holen!" which even though grammatically correct, it also mean in colloquial language: "While you leave, you can jerk off!" of course the whole room exploded laughing... so strong, that the Prof (while blushed and hysterically laughing) called for a 15 min coffee break....

[Nic100]

A Christmas Cake

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 1 bottle Brandy
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the brandy to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the brandy again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the brandy is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the brandy. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the brandy and wipe counter with the cat.

Bingle Jells!

[RosieC]

[Des]

My Grand mother used to make all her favorite offspring(of which there were many) small Xmas cakes as Xmas presents every year. these cakes were eagerly awaited by the recipients each year Gran your secrets out I am afraid !!

[GreggC]

regret that we inform you that Kermit the Frog has passed away at age 54 from the swine flu. His last words were, "That pig said she was clean!"