The joke thread

[Dorothy]

What am I laughing about ...
I'm looking in the age 52 range for a man!

[kavanaru]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,

but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,'

she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

you're gonna read this again

[IdahoOrchid]

Originally Posted by Psyguy10

What I Want in a Man,

I was thinking what a list would be for what a man wants in a woman would be difficult to come up with, then it dawned on me:

Ages 18 to death:
1 SEX
2 NO NAGGING

Simple

[Dorothy]

What about Washing, Ironing, Food-providing, Etc.
Oh that defines a W-I-F-E ...

[Des]

Originally Posted by IdahoOrchid

I was thinking what a list would be for what a man wants in a woman would be difficult to come up with, then it dawned on me:

Ages 18 to death:
1 SEX
2 NO NAGGING

Simple

Oh boy, hope your better half does not read your post ,you going to be getting cold shoulder for some time!!

[Dorothy]

cold shoulder = cold showers ...

[Des]

Here is a good old South African Van Der Merwe joke

---------
Reminds me of the story about Van walking up and down Elloff St spreading 'white powder' out of a brown paper bag.
When asked what he was doing he said "I'm spreading this crocodile repellant".
When told there were no bloody crocodiles in Elloff St., he replied "Bloody good powder, dont you think?".

[Baz in Oz]

Torn up newspaper works well with repelling elephants. I haven't seen one since I started using it.

[Bird Song Farm]

Originally Posted by Dorothy

What am I laughing about ...
I'm looking in the age 52 range for a man!

Listen to Uncle Al, go for a guy in his 20's........

Al

[IdahoOrchid]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
____________ _________ _________ _______


FAMILY


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________ _________ _________ _______

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________ _________ _________ _______

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up ! And down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________ _________ _________ _______

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my! Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
____________ _________ _________ _______

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________ _________ _________ _______

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
____________ _________ _________ _______

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ____________ _________ _________ _______

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please !!!! TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!