The joke thread

[IdahoOrchid]

Originally Posted by Des

AAAH!! there is your mistake, you take your wife with you!

Yeah, she does take up room...


(I almost said a lot of room! )

[Des]

Originally Posted by IdahoOrchid

Yeah, she does take up room...


(I almost said a lot of room! )

Will you be getting super tonight or are you eating out ................ That is eating out of a can !!
Hope our wives are not reading this !!

[Psyguy10]

Des, that was a fantastic joke!

[Psyguy10]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"

Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."

Officer: "The car is stolen?"

Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"

Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

Driver: "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: "Sir, may I see your license?"

Driver: "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

Captain: "Whose car is this?"

Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car.

Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

Driver: "Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too..."

[Psyguy10]

(The last one is me...)

----------------------------------
Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

You tune into the easy listening station... on purpose.

You keep repeating yourself.

You start video taping daytime game shows.

You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar... a month at a time.

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into 'dueling ailments'.

You keep repeating yourself.

You discover the words 'whippersnapper', 'scalawag' and 'by cracky' creeping into your vocabulary.

You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

You look both ways before crossing a room.

You keep repeating yourself.

You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

You go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

[Psyguy10]

"Vacuuming too often will weaken the carpet fibers." Say this with a serious face and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply say, "What? And spoil the mood?"

Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love for you to see our den but
Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch 'The Galapagos Islands' and claim an ecological exemption.

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

[Dorothy]

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

[Baz in Oz]

10/10

Baz

[Des]

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling’.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

[Dorothy]