The joke thread

[flhiker]

RETIRED PEOPLE

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town.
And went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a
senior citizen a break?
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Dumb ass.
He glared at me and started writing anotherticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a s*#thead.
He finished the second ticket andput it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a thirdticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, themore tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

[IdahoOrchid]

....

[Psyguy10]

Originally Posted by flhiker

RETIRED PEOPLE

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town.
And went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a
senior citizen a break?
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Dumb ass.
He glared at me and started writing anotherticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a s*#thead.
He finished the second ticket andput it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a thirdticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, themore tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

[IdahoOrchid]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[Bird Song Farm]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his..Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

Al

[Des]

I doubt if I could have thought that quickly I would have forgotten my name broken into a cold sweat and you could have lit a cigar from either of my cheeks!!!

[Roy]

Not sure if this has been told before or not but here goes.

A man & woman go into a Chinese Restaurant, both have a drink when the waiter arrives and they both order a Chicken dish. While having another drink and chat the waiter returns and places a large bowl with a lid on the table. Just then the lid lifts up and two beady eyes poke out. The mans says to the waiter "Whats this, we ordered Chicken"
The waiter looks and says " so solly, me give you ....... Peeking Duck

[cb977]

A friend sent this to me in an email this morning and it was too funny to not share with my friends on OB...

How I learned to mind my own business ....

I was walking past the mental hospital one day, and from behind the fence I could hear all the patients shouting, "13...13....13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting, "14...14...14..."

[Bird Song Farm]

Rose and Barb



Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it 's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.

[IdahoOrchid]

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.

YIKES!!!! Sure like the advice though!!!!