The joke thread

[Cookiemonster]

hahahahahahaahahahah good one

[Psyguy10]

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Circumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A -flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

* A calendar’s days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those that gets too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

[Psyguy10]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

[Psyguy10]

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

[Psyguy10]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North Western University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

[lostonthebeach]

Negative People



This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Where'd you get the horrible Hairdo?"

[kavanaru]

A man went to the20doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his
request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.

"It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is
coming into town on Friday, one of my ex's will be here on Saturday,
and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to
come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any
side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his
right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

[IdahoOrchid]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[Pantsonfire]

I used to grow prayer plants under lights on a timer. The timer malfunctioned and sped up the day/night cycle until it was going so fast that the plants flew out the window. I haven't seen them since.

[Baz in Oz]

The other day, I was sitting in my doctor's waiting room valiantly fighting a loosing battle with terminal 'flu and reading a 100 y.o. Reader's Digest and I read a joke that tickled my weird sense of humour.........

What is Irish and stays out all night?
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Patty O'Furniture.