The joke thread

[Amanda L]

Nashville Driving Instructions



1. Before entering the city limits, be prepared to discuss in 500 words or more why Nashville is superior to Memphis, Knoxville, Chattanooga, St. Louis, Atlanta… well, you get the picture.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Traffic rules in Nashville can be summed up easily: Hold on and pray.

3. All directions start with, "Get on Old Hickory Blvd...." which has no beginning and no end and is not necessarily continuous.

4. If you are on a street named something other than the street you are looking for, check it out anyway -- it may turn into the street you are looking for. On the other hand, when you are on a street with the name you are looking for, you may not be able to get to the address you are looking for anyway.

5. Demonbreun can only be pronounced by a native of Tennessee. Ditto for Tusculum. Ditto for Lafayette. Ditto for Shelbyville, Tullahoma, Goodlettsville, Gallatin, well, you know.

6. The morning rush hour starts at 5:00 am and ends at 10:00 am. The evening rush hour starts at 3:00 pm and ends at 7:00 pm. Friday's evening rush hour starts on Thursday morning. Be prepared.

7. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."

8. If it's raining, “hold on and pray.” If it’s sleeting or snowing, don't expect to get where you're going before dawn.

9. If it's 10 degrees below zero, sleeting and snowing and the Cumberland River has frozen over, then you know that Vanderbilt ha just won the SEC Championship in a sport other than women's lacrosse, volleyball or tennis.

9. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you might be rear ended, will be cussed out and possibly shot. When you are first car at the light, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Nashville. They all drive like that.

12. I-40 East is Nashville’s daily version of NASCAR...with a perpetual caution flag.

13. The minimum acceptable speed on I-65 North between the Kentucky state Line and the I-65/I-24 split at Trinity Lane is 115 miles per hour. Anything less is considered dangerous to the health and well being of the drive who is actually driving that slow!

14. Construction on I-40, I-65, I-24, I-440, I-840 in ANY part of Nashville (north, south, east or west) is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. When there is nothing to construct, don't worry: they will dig up perfectly good road and replace it to ensure your continued entertainment.

15. If you are in the left lane and only going 75mph in a 55mph zone...people are NOT waving when they go by.

16. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk or stare at anyone.

17. The wrought iron on windows in South Nashville isn't ornamental.

18. East Nashville is actually north of town, but you don't want to go there anyway.

19. All unexplained sights can be explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in Bordeaux!!"

20. Anyone within 50 miles of Nashville in any direction going towards Nashville on the day of a Titans home game is certifiably a crazy person.

[Amanda L]

Clean Jokes for the slightly twisted mind.

[Amanda L]

And... more jokes for the slightly twisted mind.

[Amanda L]

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette

3. The dryer has shrunk every pair of your jeans
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday

11. You understand why there is no number 8!

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10 Cats' facial expressions
9 The need for the same style of shoes in different colours
8 Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7 Fat clothes
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5 The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell
4 Cutting your hair to make it grow
3 Eyelash curlers
2 The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1 OTHER WOMEN

[Amanda L]

A check sent to Verizon from an upset customer. The amount is believed to be $533.80 (we think).

[Amanda L]

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN TENNESSEE!

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a
couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto" is one word..

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there
is supper.


Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!


Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you.

" DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

"Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.


You know what a "DAWG" is.


You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on
one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and
Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as"goin' Wal-martin"
or off to "Wally World."

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . .it' is a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama
says we can drive, we can drive.


EVERYONE can't be a Tennessean; it takes talent. You might say, it is art form or a gift from God!

[Amanda L]

A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late s on."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout,
And as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out,

" Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled
Back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
Into someone's day, he went to pay for his
Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ...
I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[Amanda L]

A little boy
wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those a-holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Amanda L]

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.



WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?



HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"



WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"



HUSBAND: "Of course I do."



WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"



HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."



WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)



HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)



WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"



HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."



WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"



HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"



WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"



HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."



WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"



HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"



WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"



HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."



WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?



HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."



WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?



HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: -- silence ------



HUSBAND: "Shit."




Okay, that's all I've got.

[Psyguy10]

Amanda! you've made my day! those jokes are wonderful. thanks!