So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....About two hours into my first day on the job and a very loud, unattractive mean acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I was instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell, no, they ain't twins. One is 9 and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?" So, I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." My supervisor said I probably was not cut out for this line of work.
A long time ago a huge floods came and one man was sitting on a rock surrounded by floods no way of getting a helping hand .
A man came by a boat and asked him to get in. He said I wont climb in bec God will come to save me.
Again some boys came rowing a banana trunks ferry boat and ask him to jump .
He refused and hoping God.
Thirdly some one came by a motor boat and called him come with him for safety .
but he didn't like to accept the offer.
After some time more floods arrived and water level rose to cover the rock. The man drowned and he died and reincarnated in the heaven.
He met the God and Asked "Why didn't you come to save me? "
God replied" I came thrice to save you but you didn't like to come with me"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
And finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular Cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens The voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of The ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to o cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward! And said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied,
This received via email today
YOU ARE PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN WHEN:
You call a bathing suit a 'swimming costume'.
You call a traffic light a 'robot'.
You call an elevator a 'lift'
You call a hood a 'bonnet'
You call a trunk a 'boot'
You call a pickup truck a 'bakkie'
You call a Barbeque a 'Braai'
You call a glove box a cubby whole.
The employees dance in front of the building
to show how unhappy they are.
The SABC advertises and shows highlights of
the programme you just finished watching.
You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees
Celsius is Arctic weather.
You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've
never had any.
You can sing your national anthem in four
languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
You know someone who knows someone who has met
Nelson Mandela.
You go to braais regularly, where you eat
boerewors and swim, sometimes simultaneously.
You produce a R100 note instead of your
driver's licence when stopped by a traffic officer.
You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.
You have to hire a security guard whenever you
park your car.
When you are a victim of crime and say: 'At
least I'm still alive'.
You know a taxi can move twice it's certified
number of people in one trip.
You travel 100's of kilometres to see snow.
You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee
To get free electricity you have to pay a
connection fee of R750.
More people vote in a local reality TV show
than in a local election.
People have the most wonderful names:
Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift,
Precious, Innocence and Given, Patience, Portion, Coronation.
'Now now' or 'just now' can mean anything from
a minute to a month.
You continue to wait after a traffic light has
turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite
direction.
Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest
vehicle on the highway/freeway.
You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised
whenever you find your car parked where you left it.
A bullet train is being introduced, but we
can't fix potholes.
The last time you visited the coast you paid
more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire
holiday.
You call a hot water system a geyser
The State Pres has four wives and is planning on another two
You paint your car's registration on the roof.
You have to take your own linen with you if
you are admitted to a government hospital.
You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.
Prisoners go on strike.
You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case
somebody hijacks your car.
You consider it a good month if you only get
mugged once.
Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country
because the crime rate is too high.
You consider a high crime rate as normal.
You actually get these jokes (but they ARE
true!) and pass them on to other friends from SA.
VIVA !!!!!
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,
he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to
simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti'
on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange
post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,
he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to
simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti'
on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange
post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a niceperson.(This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
34. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $25.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $26.00
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Drink Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Drink Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) More Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
any missed steps.
35) Beer (again).
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total -- $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Last edited by Amanda L; 05-17-2009 at 04:55 PM..
Reason: Forgot the rest of the joke! DUH!!!
Welcome To Wal-Mart
thanks for that one Bolero
Linear Mode
