The joke thread

[Baz in Oz]

Pat and Mick were walking down a back street in an Indian town and they noticed a little old nun walking slowly towards them.
Mick says, "I wonder if that is Mother Teresa?"
Pat says, "I'm going to ask her", and when they were near he said, "Excuse me, are you Mother Teresa?"
The old nun looked at them and said "%#@-off you Irish perverts!" and continued on her way.
Mick looked at Pat and said, "I don't suppose we'll ever now now."

[cb977]

Originally Posted by Hedge

You certainly made this sad old person laugh a lot - i love the supercalifragilistic joke - Do you know the one about the man who died and went to heaven and asked if he could go back to see his friend Sam Plank as he wanted to check everything was ok at the disco he used to own with him.

He got to earth, wings and harp and all and went into the disco and found that everything was just fine and they were still getting down every night and Sam was coping as best as he could after his recent bereavement.

On his return to Heaven, St Peter pointed out to him as he went back tthrought the pearly gates that he'd forgotten something,"oh no," he said" I've left my harp in Sam Plank's Disco!"

Thanks Sue, yours were bettter

That was a funny one too...but mine came to me in an email, I laughed just as much as you did I suppose

[Baz in Oz]

"Grandma," said little Billy, "Can you make a noise like a frog?"
"Why do you ask, Billy?"
"Cos Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland."

[Hedge]

Originally Posted by cb977

That was a funny one too...but mine came to me in an email, I laughed just as much as you did I suppose

Mine was as old as Tony Bennet's hit- I remember my dad telling it! There's another one that puns "hands that do dishes can be as soft as your face with mild green Fairy Liquid" but I can't remember the way it is constructed. Do please keep these awful puns going, everyone, I think that they are some of the funniest jokes around

Regrds to all
Heather

[Des]

Here's a joke that goes back to my first childhood .
What did the bus conductor say to the man with three heads and one leg .............. Hello hello hello hop on
Oh well it is funny when you are six !!

[Soonix]

Email i received today, thought you guys would like it.
Enjoy

Cup of Tea .

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room en grossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

[IdahoOrchid]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN

(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,Grandchildren,Nieces,Nephews,Or students...

Here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,You can take comfort from the thought thateven God's omnipotence did not extendto His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God createdAdam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was' DON'T!'

'Don 't what?' Adam replied.

'Don't eat theforbidden fruit' Godsaid
'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!'

'No Way!'
'Yes way!'

'Do NOT eat the fruit!' Said God.

'Why?'
'Because I am your Father and I said so!' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?' God asked.


'Uh huh,' Adam replied.
'Then why did you?' Said the Father.
'I don't know,' said Eve
'She started it!' Adam said.
'Did not!'
'Did too!'
'DID NOT!'

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was

that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,

don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.

Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself

that there are children more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.

They will choose your nursing home one day;

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE ALOTOF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,

DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

[cb977]

This one just made me laugh so hard, my husband came into the room to see what was so funny

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.



'Where's my toast ?'

[cb977]

An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Hedge]

very funny I am LOL so much I have to read them to my hubby who is on the other computer at the next desk..... I think he should subscribe to the OB just for the jokes!