The joke thread

[Gin]

From a friend



A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North
of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver
why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and
was on his way to Ft. Wayne to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't
want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by
juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then
he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his
equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he
had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The
juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed
them to him.

While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car. A
drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance,
then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The
trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door
asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there
ain't no way I can pass that test.

[kavanaru]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?


A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,

what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose

living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does."

[lostonthebeach]

After surgery

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[kavanaru]

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

[Bird Song Farm]

Catholic ParrotsA lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priestexclaimed; then he thought for a moment "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots,which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the womanresponded, "this may very well be the solution."The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside theircage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

[Des]

Very good thanks for the laugh

[camille1585]

That one is too too good!

[kavanaru]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!' WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS 30-ODD SOME YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE..
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH??"

[Bird Song Farm]

LOVE it, thanks Ramon.
Al

[playtime8978]

Oh Ramon I love it!