The joke thread

[unhappykat]

Wow. Ive never laughed so hard, This thread keeps getting me in trouble. I actually woke up everyone in the house a couple times laughing at some of these, way too funny. Cat thinks im psycho now. I even fell off my chair a couple of times laughing so hard.

[unhappykat]

sorry guys i read this and had to put it up

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

[unhappykat]

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy. The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

[unhappykat]

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

[camille1585]

Ewwww gross!

The preacher and nun one is funny though!!

[cb977]

Shingles

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, and medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out
and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and a complete
medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked
him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, an electrocardiogram,
took his blood pressure and told him to take off
all of his clothes and wait for the doctor,

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and
asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck.
Where do you want them?"

[kavanaru]

A doctor was addressing a large audience:

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat
diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering even years after
eating it?'



After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand and softly said,



'Wedding Cake.'

[cb977]

That's terrible but SO funny!!!

[masda]

Ha Ha Ha

[Bird Song Farm]

This one is for you folks that live in New England or used to live here.

Forget Rednecks ......here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...


If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through April , you live in New England .

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England .

If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England ..

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.

If you have switched from 'heat ' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England .

If you ca n drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England ..

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 70 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England ..

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England . .

If you find 20 degrees 'a little chilly', you live inNew England .

If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends & others, you live in New England ..