The joke thread

[flhiker]

I liked the other version better

[flhiker]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
***
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
***
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
****
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

[Dorothy]

[Gin]

good one Dave ! I have to remember that one .

[dennis]

I apologize in advance to any that may be offended.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for (Viagr a). After careful consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that (Viagr a) will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT &DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and (Viagr a) today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[cb977]

Originally Posted by flhiker

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
***
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
***
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
****
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

Way too funny!

[Phyrex]

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.

Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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A jump lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.

The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well........It's not unusual... ....."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

nd there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

"No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.
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[cb977]

Lots of giggles there!

[Dorothy]

[flhiker]

Subject: Eating right
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.