The joke thread

[Des]

Dorothy, what do all the little white flowers below your name indicate ,I see I have just got one

[JennS]

I love it! The rare dendrobium plumeria! Your husband sounds great! I like it when they always keep you guessing! Or I guess keep me guessing? Guess what? I can't remember....

[Dorothy]

As not to hijack this thread too badly ...
Des - allow me to direct you to this thread - http://www.orchidboard.com/community...ser-ranks.html
I am sure you just noticed that you have it ...

[Dorothy]

Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards, Here's why:
You start out dead and get that right out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School; drink alcohol, party and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become and a baby then ....
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in a luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap and then ....
You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

[Dorothy]

The Mind of Steve Wright -

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse get's the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend .. but she left me before we met.
Ok, so what is the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambitions is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever ... so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair the brakes, so I made the horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tired.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
If your car could travel the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[susiep]

Thanks Dorothy!

[masda]

The proud father handed the new baby to the vicar at the christening font, the vicar said "What name do you want to call this little chap" It's a girl "" whispered the father " You've got hold of my thumb"

[Royal]

Did you know that the toothbrush was invented by rednecks?

[Royal]

Yup, otherwise it would have been called a teethbrush.

[Dorothy]