The joke thread

[Swamper]

The fluctuations joke was hysterical!!!! Thanks.

[kavanaru]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
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(You're gonna love this!!!)...
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The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[kavanaru]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and startedcanvassing the neighborhoods.

She went to the front door of the firsthouse and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could usesomebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that thepaint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation,said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the wayaround the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right.I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ."

A short time later, the blondehandywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats
- no extra charge."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handedit to her.


"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi."!!!

[Des]

This supposedly actually happened somewhere in the world , I forget where though.
Joe's neighbor Harry was suing joe for , amongst other things , medical costs. When the case came to court the Judge asked Joe for his version of the story and he said, "Well your Honor I was working on my car ,repairing the brakes. and I needed a second pair of hands to bleed the brakes, just then Harry walked into my garage to see what i was doing,and I asked him to lend a hand .Harry did not want to get his clothing covered in brake fluid, so i loaned him a spare overalls.
Now Harry is a little larger than I am so, he had to remove some of his clothing and even then he could not button the front up completely. Anyhow there we were with Harry under the car, when my wife walked in and seeing "me" lying under the car with my ding -a- ling hanging out she grabbed it and shook it shouting "ding - a ling a ling tea time" and Harry had to have 16 stitches put into his forehead .

[kavanaru]

[flhiker]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

[Soonix]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad
as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the
corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.. what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his
son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time…

PRICELESS

[GreggC]

1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse said bend over.
6. Musical recliners.
7.Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

[GreggC]

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

[GreggC]

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of you face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky meqans you can find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not having to get up to pee.