The joke thread

[flhiker]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he coulddisconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"


"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[Ross]

[Dorothy]

[Tindomul]

I have another one.

There once was an ugly woman who had never been whistled at or told she was pretty by anyone. One day she was walking down a street when she heard,
"Hi beautiful!"
She ignored it at first, but was secretly happy to have someone say this to her.
"Hi beautiful!", she heard it again.
This time she looked around and could not find who was saying it.
"Hi beautiful!" She looked around again, this time looking up at the balconies. Thats when she saw a parrot in a cage saying "Hi beautiful!"
She was so angry and said to the parrot
"So it was you saying that! You stupid parrot, you are irrespectfull, loud, and abnoxious.
The parrot looked at her and said
"And a liar!"

[cb977]

This one was too good to pass up!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second , I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....
He sighed..............
Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box...

[Dorothy]

[Gin]

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[cb977]

[Pinkcat]

A woman discovers she had won the lottery, and in her excitement she flies home and swings open the door. "Honey", she says, "I won the lottery, pack your bags!". Surprised, the husband responds "How wonderful, should I pack for warm or cold?" The wife looks over and says "it doesn't matter to me- just get out!"

(saw this is my fiancee's mag- but had to change it for the women)

[Dorothy]