The joke thread

[GreggC]

Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, " My butt is gooing to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

[Dorothy]

No wonder why they call them 'pews'

[shakkai]

Just got this in email and had a chuckle!

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[puddin]

That is too funny! It does have some truth in it too!

[CodiMN]

That was great!

[kavanaru]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets
out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit
is
dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and
pulls
over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

'I feel terrible,' ! he explains, 'I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed
it.'

The blonde says, 'Don't worry.' She runs to her car and pulls out a spray
can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down
the
road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he
hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns
and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out
of
sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, 'What is in
that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?'

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It
says..



(Are you ready for this?)









It says,



'Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.'

[Des]

Very good !!! But that reminds me of the joke about the Priest and the Nun traveling across the desert on a Camel and slap bang in the middle of the dessert the Camel dies on them . The Priest,realizing that they are both going to die in the sandy wilderness gets to thinking about the celibate life he has had to live for so many years , and says to the the Nun "You know my dear I have this wonderful appendage that creates life"
"wonderful "she says to him " stick it into the Camel and lets get going !"

[Dorothy]

[GreggC]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgement.

As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss the soul off to one side into a pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellows curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. 'Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,' he said. 'I'm waiting in line for Judgement, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?'

'Oh those....' Satan groaned.

'They're all from Illinois and Missouri. They're still too wet to burn.'

[cb977]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn 't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a 'sunny beach.' I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my
brothers and sisters, grinned, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma