The joke thread

[shakkai]

Relationships :

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

**************************************************

[narferman]

Think of any letter A-T




Think of an animal whose name starts with that letter




Think of a guy's name that starts with the last letter of the animal's name






Think of a Girl's name that starts with the second letter of the Guy's name






Now look at your hand, Is the girl's name "written" in the lines of your hand?









Of course not, so slap yourself and get back to work!!!!

[Dorothy]

[cb977]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[GreggC]

TEENAGERS

TIRED OF BEING HARASSED BY YOUR STUPID PARENTS?

ACT NOW!!

MOVE OUT
GET A JOB
PAY YOUR OWN BILLS
DO IT NOW, WHILE YOU STILL KNOW EVERYTHING

[cb977]

The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blond, came running
up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the
jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'
I asked, What do you mean there's more.
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby.
We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....

'Well, that was the easy part! I went to Wal-Mart
and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

[kavanaru]

[Des]

Thanks Susanne , I needed a good laugh
Regards Des

[CodiMN]

A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went
to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.'
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them
what finally made them make the decision do this. Why after nine
children?

The husband replied, they had read in a recent article, one out of
every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they
didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because
neither of them could speak Spanish.

[Dorothy]