The joke thread

[kavanaru]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.


The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the
organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.


"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

[GreggC]

That must be fairly old, like me. I speak of the pipeline joke, of course.

[cb977]

Originally Posted by kavanaru

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."


And *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini!"


St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.


"Sara Pipalini", replies the nun.


St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."


The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.


St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.


"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

Hell...here I come!!!

[cb977]

Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work..
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into.
I was into it all night.<<Sigh>>
Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

[Dorothy]

A real absorbing site = the OB

[cb977]

Originally Posted by Dorothy

A real absorbing site = the OB

My thoughts exactly!

[kavanaru]

Here are seven reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."


THIRD TESTIMONY:


My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:


While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
bent over,
spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


SiXTH TESTIMONY:


I went to Toys R’ Us to buy a basketball for my nephew.
After walking through all those giant corridors, filled up with
millions of toys of different kinds, but without finding what I
was looking for, I decided to ask for help.
I saw that guy changing the price labels in one of the corridors
and went directly to him: “Excuse me, am I blind or you indeed have no balls!?”
He just looked at me, looked down as his crotch and answered with a smile
“Yes, two of them. Very well wrapped in Calvin Klein!”
I could do nothing but explode laughing about the whole situation…
he did the same, and showed me where the basketball were
(I had already understood where the other balls were)


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[cb977]

[susiep]

Ramon! Those were great! You had everyone at my job laughing. Thanks

[Des]

I have had in a long time . Thanks Ramon