The joke thread

[GreggC]

There was a bunch of us guys watching a football game when that came on. One of the kids from the neighborhood upon seeing that said, "I didn't know that!"

[kavanaru]

The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The next day the local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10

Once again this was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

[cb977]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
Game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to
his Commands. When the day of the game arrived. Everything went
quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the
Patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down
in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all
broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a Particularly bad call against the star of the
home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started
booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer
and a Hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned,
there was a Riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the
doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until
this guy walked by and yelled "PEANUTS!"

[CodiMN]

Good one Sue!

[kavanaru]

YouTube - Self Image

[cb977]

That was so cute!!!

[Ross]

I'm still trying to figure out how to send this to others. There's a hidden message there, did you catch it?

[kavanaru]

Ross, on the video's window, clic on 'Menu' and then you will see the URL address, copy and send

[kavanaru]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too
small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so,
he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a
few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet
paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it
between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my
husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my
breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says,
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy,
he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals
through a straw.

[kavanaru]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."


And *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini!"


St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.


"Sara Pipalini", replies the nun.


St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."


The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.


St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.


"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!