The joke thread

[GreggC]

as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said I would." She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed at midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!', cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed twice more and started giggling."

[Dorothy]

[GreggC]

After having their 11th child, a West Virginia couple decided that eleven was enough, as they could not afford another bed. So, the husband went to the doctor, and told him that he and his cousin had decided not to have anymore chidren. The doctor told him that there was a procedure that could be done, called a vasectomy, but it was an expensive procedure. A less expensive alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (they are legal in West Virginia), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold it up to his ear and count to ten.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in the empty beer can. He held it up to his ear and began to count:
1

2

3

4

5

At which point, he put the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on the other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee and Mississippi.

[kavanaru]

that's rude, but excellent!!!

[GreggC]

and went out to buy the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari Enzo, one of the most expensive cars in the world, and it costs me nearly $500,000. So I take it for a spin and stop at the light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to me. The old man looks over at the slick car and says, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
I courteously reply, "A Ferrari Enzo. It costa a half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 220 miles per hour!" I say proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I look inside?"
"No problem," I reply.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right....but I'll stick with my Moped."

Just then, the light changes, so I decide to show the old man just what my car can do....I floor it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph...but suddenly, I notice a dot in my rear view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! I slow down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOOSSSSHHHH! Something whips by my car going much faster! "What on earth could be faster than my Ferrari?" I ask myself.

I don't want to lose a flyby, so I floor the accelerator and take the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass my Ferrari, I give it more gas and pass the Moped at 200 mph. WHOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHH! I am feeling pretty good until I look in my mirror and see the old man gaining on me AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, I floor the gas pedal and take the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph. Not ten seconds later, I see the Moped bearing down on me again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there is nothing I can do! Suddenly, th Moped plows into the back of my Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. I quickly stop and jump out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!? I run up to the mangled old man and say," Oh my, is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, " Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your....side-view...mirror!"

[GreggC]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba's dead! What should Ah do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence....and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now whut?"

[Des]

I'm traveling from Johannesburg to Port Elizabeth in my Opel Astra. I'm doing about 160 km per hour. I'm in the Free State on one of the longest, boring roads I've ever known, not a bend or bump in it, struggling to concentrate on the road ahead. Suddenly I see movement out of the corner of my eye, and there running next to my car is a chicken and it's passing me and pulling away from me. I put the accelerator to the floor and only just manage to catch up with the bird. I see that this is no ordinary chicken. It has four legs.
Suddenly the bird makes a 90 degree turn down a farm road. I slam on brakes and follow it.

After 2 hours I see a farm house in the distance (farms are big here in S A). The chicken runs into the farmyard and there are hundreds, no thousands of these four legged chickens everywhere. The chicken farmer is standing on his front porch and I say to him :

"What's with the four legged chickens, man."

And he says : "Son, we eat chicken for sunday lunch. There are four of us and always an argument about who is going to get the drumsticks, so I bred these here chickens to have four legs."

"Oh," I said, "and what do they taste like."

"Don't know" he says, "haven't been able to catch one."

[Dorothy]

They all have me laughing

[GreggC]

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you that have lived in Texas, you know how true it is. They actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the ballpark in Houston.
The notes are from an inexperienced chile taster who was visiting Texas from Springfield, Illinois:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chile cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chile would not be that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chile #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Chile
Judge #1-A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2-Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3-(Frank) Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the fire out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chile #2 Author's Afterburner Chile
Judge #1-Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2-Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3-Keep this stuff out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I was supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave two people off who wanted to give me the Heimlich manuver.. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chile #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chile
Judge #1-Excellent Firehouse Chile. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2-A beanless Chile., a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3-Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all the beer.
Chile #4 Bubba's Black Chile
Judge #1-Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2-Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge #3-I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300# @#$%^ is starting to look HOT...Just like the neuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an aphrodisiac?
Chile #5 Linda's Legal Lip Chile
Judge #1-Meaty, strong chile. Cayenne Peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2-Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3-My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chile #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1-Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric fumes. I sh!t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that@#$%^ Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I will need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.
Chile #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chile
Judge #1-A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2-Ho hum, tastes like the chef literally threw in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cussing uncontrollably.
Judge #3-You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh!t to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4" hole in my stomach.
Chile #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chile
Judge #1-The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2-This final entry is a good, balanced chile. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's gonna make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chile.

[GreggC]

First Degree
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtably blonde) answered the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear."
Second Degree
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this perswon looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Let me see." So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
Third Degree
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out her gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up! You're next!"
Fourth Degree
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" the blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W"
Fifth Degree
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Sixth Degree
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was all about. Bambi pondered the question and then finally said, " That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Seventh Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman."