The joke thread

[Jo Ann]

Originally Posted by GreggC

I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

I'll be thinking of that when I have my Cheerios in the morning...

[GreggC]

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
One hand on the wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
One hand on the wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappucino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FROM MONTANA but driving in CALIFORNIA
Both hands in air gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
One hand on wheel, one on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet being on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
Four-wheel-drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Prairie Dog tails attached to antenna: WYOMING
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with left blinker on: FLORIDA
One hand on wheel, the other on his sister: ********

********= Fill in the blanks

[kavanaru]

you missed:

Both hands on wheel, calling the police via voice activated blue tooth equiped mobile phone, because probably the guy driving the car 200 m in front of yours is driving at 51 Km/h where only 50Km/h are allowed, and because the owner of the house you just passt by does not have Garden-Gnomes like all his neighbors: SWITZERLAND

[kavanaru]

YouTube - Lego Darth Vader Canteen Incident

for all star wars fans

[GreggC]

A woman brought a very limp duck into veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean you haven't even done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retreiver. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook his head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$350!", she cried, "$350 just to tell me that the duck is dead?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $40, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan......."

[Des]

Now that was funny !!! Now combine all those driving skills and you will know what it is like driving in Africa

[Des]

Hows this for an old old Joke :
Two Gentlemen of the road wandering through the centre of town come across the Central Pharmacy and there advertised in the window is Kodak Verichrome Pan film (I told you it was old) one of the gents says to his buddy " What is this here Kodac verichrome stuff"and his buddy not wanting to appear dumb says
"thats a new type of contraceptive" His buddy say's I have a heavy date tonight so I need some of that" and goes into the shop while his friend waits outside. A few minutes later he is booted out of the front door, lands face first in in the dust he has a black eye and is missing his front teeth.His buddy rushes over to him and says " What happened!" Well I said to the lady behind the counter can I have some Kodac verichrome,
and she says what size is your brownie sir ,so I takes it out and shows her"

[Dorothy]

THE OLD LADY IN THE BACK PEW

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
'Children are a gift from God,' he said.
Silence fell on the congregation....
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
'Rain is also a gift from God,
but when we get too much of it,
we wear rubbers.

[Dorothy]

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know" replied her companion.
"I heard it snore three times."

[GreggC]