The joke thread

[shakkai]

A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company........

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....Don't mess with old FOLKS...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

PS.
I am in no way insinuating that any of us are old, some of us are just more youthfully challenged.

[cb977]

[Jo Ann]

Originally Posted by GreggC

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
Barmen.

LOL.........Hey I remember saying that prayer a few times...

[flhiker]

[Ross]

A winter statistic

98% of Americans say "Oh S*#*" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Northern Michigan and they say, "Hold my beer and watch this!"

[GreggC]

and old beer songs somewhere.

[Jo Ann]

Originally Posted by rsfrid

[B] "Hold my beer and watch this!"

LOL…that brings back such happy youthful memories….

[GreggC]

are out drinking one night. They come up over a hill and see the cops have got a roadblock at the bottom of the hill. Bubba tells Jimmy John, "Hurry, take the label off of your bottle, stick it on your forehead and down the rest of that beer. Put the bottle in the bed of the truck, NOW!" Jimmy John does what he is told to do. They get down to the bottom of the hill and the cop is talking with them. "Have you guys been drinking?", said the officer. Bubba piped up and said, "Why, no officer, we're on the patch!"

[Tindomul]

One very poor man tells his wife he has invited the boss over for dinner for the next night. The wife gets angry, "we don't have enough money to feed our 4 children and you invited him to dinner!! And what did you say I will be making?" The husband says "I invited him over for some chicken."
"CHICKEN!!!... Chicken!! Well there is only enough money for beans! We don't have money for chicken. Are you nuts!!!"
The husband says, "Don't worry, I will keep him busy in the living room while you make the beans. Then you bang some pots around and I say.... Honey, are you alright? Did you drop the chicken?.... and you say Yes, I did, we only have beans left. And we give him beans."

So the next day, as planned the boss comes over and the husband keeps him busy in the living room and suddenly they hear the sound of pots banging. So the husband says "Honey, are you alright? Did you drop the chicken?" Then the wife said, "No you idiot! I dropped the freakin' beans! The BEANS!!!"

[Graehstone]

Dam Letter
This is a copy of an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries, from the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read
this guy's response - but read the entire letter before you get to the
response.

Mr. Ryan DeVries
**** Dagget
Pierson, MI *****

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Site Location: Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that
our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection. Failure to comply with
this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in
this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/2000 has been referred to me to respond
to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or
contractor at ****Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a
couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever
match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.


As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against
my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to say dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if
there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the
beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the
State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam
concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain
event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the
Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam
names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition -
please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read
English).

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name; it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers
and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated
enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002. The Spring Pond
Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or
your dam staffs to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental
quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful
where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam
USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
The University of Texas
at: Austin Office Community Relations/Accounting unit
P.O. Box ****
Austin, TX *****

So there!