The joke thread

[cb977]

Originally Posted by rsfrid

OK now, wait just a minute! Would you tell this one to your 14-year old grandson? Eh?

I'm gonna let this one slide...
but let's be careful about what we post on OB, folks

[Sandy4453]

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
------------------------------------------------------
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

------------------------------------------------------
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

[puddin]

[cb977]

ROFL!!! I love that first one!

[flhiker]

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy: READ SLOWLY

1) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

2) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5) Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6) He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.

9) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11) Change i s inevitable, except from vend ing machines.

12) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14) Okay, so what's the speed of dark?

15) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19) What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What
the _____ happened?"

22) Just remember -- if the worl d didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23) Light travels faster than sound. That' s why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24) Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

[shakkai]

Dear Tide:


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[GreggC]

Boy, that's a short book!! LOL!! Actually, I saw Larry live for my birthday one year and he's a funny man, but the redneck humor thing is getting kind of old.

[cb977]

Originally Posted by flhiker

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy: READ SLOWLY

1) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

2) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5) Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6) He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.

9) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11) Change i s inevitable, except from vend ing machines.

12) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14) Okay, so what's the speed of dark?

15) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19) What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What
the _____ happened?"

22) Just remember -- if the worl d didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23) Light travels faster than sound. That' s why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24) Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

Git 'er done!

[Tindomul]

I really like 7,9,14, & 17, too dumb not to be funny!

[Graehstone]

This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current
medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME ___________________ DATE OF BIRTH __________
2. HEIGHT _____ WEIGHT __________ I.Q. ______ G.P.A. _____
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________________ DRIVERS
LICENSE# ____________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK _________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ______
ZIP CODE ___________________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ____________
If not., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _____________
8. Do you own a van? _________ A truck with oversize tires? ________
A waterbed? _______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ________
(If "yes" to any of # 8, dicontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? __________________________________________________ ___
__________________________________________________ ___
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY
DAUGHTER" mean to you? ____________________________________
__________________________________________________ ____________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ____
__________________________________________________ ____________
12. Church you attend ___________ how often do you attend? ____________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest,
rabbi, minister? ___________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are
confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a. If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is _________
b. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is _________
c. A woman's place is in the _________________________________
d. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________
e. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ____________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS
TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE
UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS.
_________________________________________Signature
(That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call
or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your
application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white
ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)